Inner voice

Dear father

I'm thankful, thankful for all of the pain you caused, thankful for giving your bare minimum. I know you tried your best, but your best wasn't enough, no not for me. You wanted me to change, me to grow and support you while you were giving me nothing but pain and high expectations, causing me harm. But I forgive you, not because I love you that much, not because you're my dad, but becasue I can no longer hold on to this pain, to this burden. You're breaking me and you brought me to the point in life where there is no love between us, where your touch is nothing but a false alarm, when your words mean nothing more than your lies, when your love doesn't feels like much. I miss that you know, I miss us, you broke this home apart, you. You were the one who didn't grow up, maybe you never will and you still expect me to act better, to be the bigger person nad just walk away. You are a narcisist, a liar, a manipulator yet I love you cause inside of me there is still some hope that maybe just maybe you could love me back. Maybe you are my father but there were not many times that you acted like my dad. I needed you to support me, to hold me close while I cry, you were supposed to be my hero, my protector, not the reason I cry, why I feel worthless and alone. You broke my heart way before any boy got a chance to, but I can't blame you. I know you see her in me, deep inside you are hurt, searching for you father approval, love, respect, you try to prove yourself to him without knowing you will destroy everything you have if you keep going down this way. Will you ever just stop and appreciate what you have and stop wanting more? Or will you realy have to lose everything just to realize that you're the one breakign our family apart? When will you stop and look around, when will you realize there is nothing left? I can't change you, yet I tried, I made that mistake thinking I could change you, thinking I could fix you but I was just a child. Let that sink in. I was your daughter. I wasn't supposed to know all that, I shouldn't be inturduced to all of your problems so early on. They crushed me. You said you loved me, you said you would do anything for me, you said you would die for me, throw yourself under the train, but what does that benefits me? I still won't have you, alive or dead, you were never here anyway. You would die for me but you refuse to put me before your job, before your friends, your girlfriends and ambitions. I don't need your sacrifices, I don't need you to die for me I need you to be here. I will eventualy leave, move on and live my own life. I won't need you much longer I ain't saying you gotta stop living, and achiving your goal I am asking you to stay a little longer, to pay attention for a little while longer, to care a little bit more, to love me and understand me like you did before. I want to feel your presence, I want you to come on time, to show up, to admit your mistakes, I want you to care, to grow up and stop acting like a kid, manipulating me. Yes I have expectations from you and I ain't scared of admitting them. I expect things from you and don't you dare get angry at me for that, you are toxic, childish and unable to change but you are my father, my blood, but blood doesn't make family, it takes respect, it takes, love, patience, work, trust, and many more so if you so if you ain't ready to work on our relationship fine but I won't beg for it anymore. I'm done crying, begging, screaming, I'm done with every single fucking thing you hear me! That just kills me. Why should I change when I never even got to know who I am? You all have these expectations and they're killing me, one day I will just stop trying, stop caring I will just let go and leave you all to wonder what happened. Cause I'm sick, sick of always giving and never getting, sick of always being judged for what?! Being a kid? I don't even get gratitude, you all don't even notice my effort so what difference does it really make? You all see these imperfections and mistakes, the problems that bothers you not me, they are your problems not mine. So stop trying to change me, fit me into some box you can just tick or cross. I won't change, I 'm not a mistake you can just fix and if you can't accpet me with all those imperfections, with all my flaws then you simply don't deserve to be in my life. I'm sorry father but I'm done.