Inner voice

Childhood

I had a father but never have I had a dad.  When you think of a dad you picture that muscular guy with a soft bear and a bright smile right? Someone who picks you up and spins you around making you feel alive and free, forgetting everything. You, my father, you, were supposed to lift me, but instead, you buried me under your expectations, under your problems, problems you couldn't solve yourself thinking I could do it but I can't, I couldn't. I was a child. I was a kid who wanted to be loved, to be heard, to be childlish like everyone else my age but no you had to ruin it all. You had to cross that line, and you broke me, you broke me before any boy even got a chance. You broke my trust and my heart leaving me scared for the rest of my life, because of you I carry these wounds inside of me and I will carry them till the day I die and you won't ever even see them. You won't even try, you deny, you deny their existence thinking I am doing fine, but what would you do if I told you how many tears I have cried because of you, how many tears have been shed because of your harmful words? What would you do if I told you I hurt myself would you believe me then? You try to pretend everything is fine when I am falling apart. You pretend we are some picture-perfect family, painting smiles all over me You can pretend all you want but you don't fool me one bit. I know you. I know you father. Your wicked words and twisted smiles, your cruel blood that runs under my skin. I know you but you don't know me. What's my favorite color? Do you know the color of my eyes? I wrote a book about you but you probaly think I just lie. I got an A on my test but that doesn't matter right? My boyfriend left me today but all you say is a simple okay. Then when I break when I let the words claw their way out I scream. I scream so loud the words coming out, pouring like red wine staining you picture-perfect white house. This house is haunted inside of it there is nothing but sadness a ghost of grief and madness driven by no one else but you my father. Don't you find it strange how your own mother left? How she escaped after you stained and erased her? You couldn't even face her. You still hate her for leaving, hate her for schoosing someone new, but you don't know why never you cared why she escaped. You are afraid because in reality you know it's because of you. Because of how you treated her, how you manipulated her. She left because of you even if you think it isn't true. It's your fault but I don't blame you for doing all of that, I don't blame you I really don't, you were just a kid angry at the world for being unheard. You sweared to never be like him yet you did it perfectly. You managed to ignore all my cries for help ,managed to escape your past, to start a new one. But you forgot, you forgot I am a part of your hidden past, a past you are trying so hard to forget. You try to escpape, escape this house but this house is a place we once called home, home where love roams, where there are no heavy words, no silent cires, no twisted lies just vibes. That home burned down, as one of the callums fell down. My mother left, your vife and I know that must've been hard. They all left, my grandmother then my mother and now me. I am leaving. I tried to change you, and I apologize, but I coulnd't accept you and your flaws. I coulnd't accept the fact that you don't love me that way, the fact you won't change for your own family gain. No you would rather lie, you would rather steal, find someone brand new and forget everything. Find you do you cause I am done. Done begging for a relationship, done begging for something that wasn't even there in the first place. I am done with being the black sheep with being the one responsible for everything I am done playing an adult and expecting to be quiet even if misunderstood. So today I scream back, today I yell. I yell my soul out letting you drown in those words maybe findining meaning in them but no. You stare at me broken, you jsut stare at me and you ask Why are you yelling while I am there dwelling, the feeling overwhelming. I wasn't yelling I was begging, begging to be hear, beging to be understood , pleading for you to hear me. I was trying to be undrstood. So please fix it. Fix what you ask? Fix me. Give me back all the nights I spent crying, give me back all those words you didn't even hear, give me back all the meaningless fights, give me bakc all the tears I shed because of you. Give me back my childhood!