Inner voice

Hey dad I did it without you

Hey Dad I did it without you. I had my first kiss without you, I enrolled in my dream university without you, I wrote a book without your help, I got myself a boyfriend without you, and I had two beautiful babies without you. I watched my mother die without you, I watched my kids grow old without you and I made sure I loved the the way you never did. I made sure I fuckign took care of them, I gave them everything you never gave to me. I fucking survived without you yet you never reached out, not even after our mother died, you didn't reach out, you didn't call, you didn't even text. You didn't come to her funeral, pretending you don't know her, pretending you don't know me. I know you are still out there, I know you have a daughter, three of them to be exact, you have a girlfriend, a job, a life, living in a lie. Damn you for leaving me, damn you for fucking leaving my mother to die alone, you broke her, you tore her to pieces and you left her to suffer all alone. Letting me rot here with her as sadness slowly kills her and all I could do was watch the life slowly drain from her eyes. It was you who killed her, it was you who let her fuckign die. It's all your fault you hear me?! I am here, standing on this grave, where she lays and I fuckign miss her you listen to me, I fuckign miss her more than I ever missed you. I miss her so damn much and you aren't here to catch my tears, you aren't here to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. You left me, Dad. You left me. Why? Was I not enough? Was my love for you not strong enough? Was I too loud? Too annoying? Too needy? I just wanted you to love me, but you didn't, you didn't love me, you cared for me but only to some point, then you reached that limit and you felt trapped so you just left, you didn't fight, you didn't even try, you are so fuckign weak for leaving, for giving up on us. On your own damn family. I did it without you you know?! I got over her death without you: I grew old without you. I loved, laughed and lived without you. I did it without you Dad. Dad? Where are you? Why did you leave me? Please come back. But you left the only difference is this time you had no other choice, death took over you, taking all your will to live with you. I never got to make you proud, I never got to introduce you to your grandkids, I never got to hug you goodbye, I never got to say I love you. I love you Dad but I did it without you.