Sorry Not Sorry

-16🌳

"Of course you can go in with Rupaul. He missed you his week." She steps out from behind the counter, walking into the cat room. She unlocks the door to the larger cat room, where people can go in, and let's me in. "I'll tell your mum your here once she's done." Reina says. I nod, sitting down on the floor.

-

I click my fingers together like Rupaul likes, and he comes stretching out of his box. He mews at me, stalking over to me.

I stroke his patchy grey fur. "Hey Rupaul." I say. "Save me." He hops up onto my legs, curling in my lap.

My fingers get lost in the tangles of his fur, and his eyes blink up at me. "Everything is so shit." I say. "My life is like a rollercoaster. One minute, Max and I are having a heartfelt conversation, the next he's running out of my house. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to hurt me," I out a hand on my heart, "Emotionally by losing him, but I don't want to keep at this only to blow up in his face one day and ruin everything." I look down at him.

"What am I even doing. You're a cat. You also don't even know who Max is." I say. "You're also a cat." I repeat. "You don't know anything. You don't know what I'm saying. Also, I'm pretty sure you're asleep right now." I say.
"Rupaul, I'd leave but you are very warm on my lap and also you are on my lap so I'm not going to kick you off just to abandon you. Okay, Rupaul?" I ramble.

"Okay, Rupaul." I mock myself, leaning my head back against the wall. "I'm going crazy. It's official." I say. "Max won't want me... I mean...to be friends with me now."

The dogs still bark off in the distance and I wonder whether the people visiting the dog in the meeting pen are going to buy it. I hope so. "I bet you hope so too, Lil Rupaul." I say. "You hate those mean dogs." I ruffle his fur.

I pause. "There I go again."

His rhythmic breathing usually calms me but today all it does is remind me of Max. After a while sitting there, he hops off my lap and stalks off into his box. I leave the room, walking down the other hallway to the dogs. I decide their loud barking and floppy tounges might be the better distraction I need. I also don't feel the unnecessary urge to talk to them.

I poke my hand through the bars of the cage, letting the puppy lick my fingers. "Oh, you're a little sausage." I coo, "You're going to get adopted in no time." So much for me not talking to dogs.

I prefer cats over dogs, I love both though. Those who hate one love the other scare me. (I wonder if Max is a dog or cat person?) But in the end it does end up calming me down a bit. Eventually the customers and mum come inside, and mum hands them off to Raina, to pay and get all the paperwork official.

Mum rushes into the cat room, and I stand up. She quickly is back out, eyes darting. "Oh, Xavier, there you are." She spots me standing awkwardly in the dog hallway.

She pulls me into her arms. "Are you alright? What's wrong?" She grips my shoulders.

-

Mum has to stay at work, but I've had enough of all the noises and am still feeling sick, so I decide to walk home, with earbuds in my ears to drown out my thoughts of course. (I play Mitski, since as far as I know, Max doesn't listen to her.(Also because I love her music).)
I aproach the house, legs aching, bag thumping against my thigh. I dig in my pocket, teaching for he key. It's not there. "Okay..." I mumble. I open the bag and dig around in it, sitting down on the front step. "Damn it." I punch the bag and dig my fingers into my hair, head pressed up against the door. I thunk the back of my head on the door three times, looking up at the sun.

It's been probably two hours since Max rushed out. The sun is blaring above my head, burning my shoulders. I pull my phone out and hop on Insta. I scroll through posts, barely seeing them with the sun reflecting off my screen. Eventually I give up and stand up. Sweat drips down my back as I walk over to the tree in my front yard.

I plop down under the shade and kick some of the dirt away. I'm still not inside, but it's better than the blistering Australian sun.

I close my eyes and listen as cars cruise past. My neighbors are either never home or never leave their home, so I don't know any of their names, or anything about them, really.

I can hear the cows mooing over the hill, and the top of the bus stop is visible over it. Being a cow would be good right now. They don't seem bothered by the heat. Or anything. I close my eyes again smelling the scent of flowers from the old lady who lives like... Four houses down from mine.

I can't help but wonder what Max's favourite flowers are.

Or his favourite anything. We haven't really talked about simple stuff, mostly just more deep stuff. I dont even know what his favourite colour is.

Actually, scratch that. I don't even know what my favourite colour is.

I lay on the grass in the shade for what feels like hours, waiting for what? I don't know. Someone to come and save me or something. I've already bothered mum today, I don't really want to stress her out more. If she asks when she gets home I'll just say I wanted some fresh air. And skin cancer, I guess.

Eventually I must fall asleep or something, because I don't remember anything past when a magpie and I lock eyes.

-

I wake up when someone pokes my face with a finger. "Hng. Mum?" I groan. Sitting on the floor all day isn't the best.

"Oh my god. Xavier, you're not dead."

"Max?" I say, blinking open my eyes.

"Xavier."

"Max!" I say, pulling him down into a hug.

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