Sorry Not Sorry

-10 🧺

"Max!!!" Danny calls from the guest room.

"Coming!" Max tells back. "Stay here." He says, and I nod in response.

-

Suddenly it accors to me that I'm in Max's room, Alone. I decide I can't just stand there like a lost child, so I go over to his bedside and look at the book. It's face down, so I can't see the cover or title, but I dont want to intrude so much as touching his stuff while he's not here, so I just read the back. He jogs back in to his room. "Ok, snoopy" he says as he spots me reading the book.

"Ah!" I jump back, falling into an armchair in the corner of his room. "Sorry." I say.

"It's ok." He says. "I'm sure your wondering why I'm reading a book when I have a reading disability, huh?"

"I'd honestly forgotten, but that's a good question." I say.

"I enjoy reading." He explains. "But it aggrivates me so much when I can't do it as good as others can."

"Well that's not really your fault." I say with a shrug.

He flops back on his bed. "Not really my fault?"

"I mean-" I say, getting defensive quickly. "I didn't mean it like-" is say.

I've been around people so long today that my social battery has been extra drianed- my body and been holding on for as long as I could, but my brain is done with acting normal. I tap my leg and figget with my fingers.

"Hey, it's ok. I was only joking. You know that's not what I meant." He says.

"Yeah... Yeah." I choke. He stands and gets up to sit on the armchair beside me.

"Can I touch you?" He asks, and I freeze for a second.

"What?" I hiss.

"Like, put an arm on your shoulder." He says, then awkwardly adds, "What else?" With a fake laugh.

"I mean, sure." I say, bouncing my leg, but Max stood up and grabbed the book.

"Read the blurb." He says, placing it on my lap.

"Read the..?"

"The back." He says. Pointing.

"I mean I already did." I say, flipping the book to the cover. I run my fingers over the indentations of the hardcover. "They Both Die At The End?" I say. "That sounds kinda... Gruesome."

"I'm not finished yet." He says. "I've heard it's sad. Read." He points to the blurb. The books a special edition, and the cover is golden with teal details.

"Uh- live a lifetime in a single day- meet Mateo and Rufus as they embark on one last iconic adventure." I pause, reading the reviews on the back. "Huh. Is this gay?" I ask.

"Yep." He says, looking away from me.

After a little, I break our silence. "Thank you." I say, putting the book down. "That helped."

He smiles. "Surely Danny's done with your room now, so I'll see you later." He says.

I take that as my chance to get some alone time, and walk across the hall to the guest room. "I probably could've done this myself." I say.

"You ran off with Max. Besides, you're our guest." He says with a smile.

I can feel anger bubbling in my throat beside the fact he's being kind. "I'll do it next time, Ok?"

He nods. "If that's what you'd like." He pauses. "Goodnight." He adds.

-

I sit myself down on the bed, head in my hands. The door opens with a creak.

"Hey." Max says.

"What!?" I snap.

He pauses, a strained smile. "Goodnight." He closes the door.

I immediately feel like a terrible person, a terrible friend. My throat closes up, ad I need something to drink, so I reach into my bag and pull out a lukewarm bottle of water. After slurping it down I lay my head back on the wall. My fist bangs against my thight as I pull my phone charger from out of my bag, and plug it into the wall. I walk over to the light switch and turn it off.

I lie on my side, under the covers- but then I feel too hot, so I lie atop the covers, but even then, I'm too hot. And gross. My clothes are dirty from being worn all day and I haven't washed my hands. I pull my shirt off, throwing it in a heap near the door.

I huff back onto the bed, lying facing the wall. This wall also has a window, identical to the one in Max's. I soon realise the room is a mirror of Max's, though without all the extra decor. Lacy curtains flap in the breeze after I open the window.

Today had been good. Why'd I have to ruin it with getting pissy at the lastminute? What if Danny and Max kick me out, and never talk to me again? They'll talk to Kitty and she'll get Katherine to kick me out of the classes, and I'll never have a chance to apologize, since they'll all have blocked me. I'll have to sit like a loser staring at their empty Instagram pages, refreshing until I die.

Or maybe they'll forgive me. We'll meet up again and again until one day my body decides I dont deserve them, and I blow up. Yelling would be involved, maybe crying. Cursing probably. No matter what, I can't see any good outcomes for me.

But they've given me a chance so far. Given me space when I needed it. But I don't think I deserve it. I haven't exactly been the best friend. I go nonverbal if I don't try hard enough to speak, and I'm sure if they had it their way I'd shut up forever, and fade out of existence, never to be seen again, only a story that real friends tell, huddled around a campfire, bugspray lingering in the air, s'mores in hand, snakes in the bush and dust under their feet. No sight of me though.

I dont get much sleep that night.

-