Love in micrometer

~THE 50% CHANCE~

Priya

I took a huge risk today, which is unlike me. The comfort in familiarity that keeps me going will be shattered the moment I talk to him. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone, like the frog in the well that sees the world outside.

I am talking to him is the first among them. I have shared small conversations with him, but to be initiating is an area I have not explored. I just need to look calm and composed as always. There is no way he needs to know that I am uncomfortable with this change or that it takes me a lot of time to adjust for the fact that I am asking for his help.

It might seem extremely trivial, but asking for help is something that has kept me challenged since I was a young kid. Seeking help is one of my greatest weaknesses because I don’t normally ask for it.

I will put myself to sleep crying, wake up, and deal with the problem by myself but seeking help? I cannot. Although here I am in front of the building waiting for him, in my most vulnerable state, to ask for his help. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing.

I stood in front of the building, unaware of how and when I came here. I messaged him an hour ago, and he has not seen it. The campus had a lot of trees, all of them with a board with scientific names. The roads were decorated with many flowers that had fallen down from those trees, some dried and some still fresh.

I picked up one of the flowers and started seeing the floral arrangement. I like looking at plants and trees, the arrangement of leaves on their branches, the colours of the beautifully adorned flowers.

The flower was a tinge of dark and light pink, with 5 petals in the shape of a trumpet. I smiled as my heart was filled with warmth seeing it.

“That is called the Rosey trumpet”, I heard a voice, and I turned towards it. I was smiling, looking at the flower, so the smile still lingered on my face when I turned. I saw him standing in front of me.

“Oh Hi”, I said hesitantly, putting away the flower I had in my hand.
“If you are still uncomfortable talking to me then, it will be hard for you, isn’t it?”, he said exactly, calling me out.

He scares me with his mere presence. His aura intimidates me for an uncalled reason. I have always seen him being responsible towards Siddhi, the love he showers his beloved sister, their banter, his smile and pride when Siddhi is going on the right path even if she is confused about it, he has supported her.

These must give me more reasons to be comfortable around him, but I don’t. It's a weird kind of comfortless feeling because he sees right through me.

Everybody thinks that I have it all figured out, calm, and deals with any challenges fearlessly, but not him. He does not think of me like that, and it scares me, intimidates me, does not give me the comfort that other people give me. I can not let anybody know my real scared, confused, worried, overthinking, anger self.

“I am not uncomfortable, I’m perfectly fine to talk to you, but I think I might ask you the same as well. Are you not uncomfortable around me?” I retorted, a little offended because he is doing what he always does. Catching me off guard and displaying my truth.

I expected that I had triggered him, and was ready to face his intimidating side, instead he looks at me slightly smiling, staring into my eyes which I realise that I have been doing the same as well. He pauses for a second, which feels longer to me, expecting that that he would deny my accusations, replying angrily; rather, he stays quiet.

His shampooed hair that covers his forehead bounces in its place as he nods his head, as though agreeing to the statements I made and yet denying them. He confuses me. I don’t like being confused.

“I apologise if I overstepped my boundaries. Do you want to go to the canteen so that you can talk to me about what is on your mind?”, he suggests in a tone that means business, a professional one, that is like a big fence for either of us to cross, which is exactly what I am expecting at the moment.

We walked to the canteen, which was not as fancy as I had expected. I eyed towards the seat near the window, settling myself on the bench as he did the same on the seat to my opposite. The location seems very off, and the table is too small, which makes me see his face extremely closely.

His hair, a small kunkuma (religious red powder) on this forehead, a long sharp nose that reminds me of Siddhi, and those big brown eyes that has the capacity to scan my secrets, is making me nervous. This is the first time I have ever been so close to him that I can breathe his air.

“I will get straight to the point, I am in need of a mentor”, I say courageously but it sounded very bratty as I hear myself out loud, which in my defence sounded good in my head.

“I have a course completion dissertation project to complete in one of the labs outside campus. It starts from this December”, I continued, giving him further details of my project. I can see that he is trying to make sense of the information I am providing him, a thorough listener, as Siddhi calls him.

My heart has been racing since the time I see us sitting so closely, but there is a thumping sound coming now, soon after I finish as I wait for him to give me his answer. He takes some time, we sit in silence in a canteen that is not bustling with the crowd, rather it is only him and I, at this rare time.

This is probably one of the greatest mistakes I have committed, I should not have come here. I knew that seeking help would be a bad idea. I dropped my guard the moment I stepped inside the campus, in front of him out of all people.

“I am sorry I asked this of you, I overstepped my boundaries, I am aware now. Thank you for listening”, I fumble.

He looks very confused, which is confusing me. “Just to be clear, are you running away from a possible rejection instead of facing it? Which is only a 50% chance, what about the other 50%, that you are disregarding only to satisfy your ego?” he said calmly as though he did not just pierce me with his harsh words. I looked at him, who seemed as though waiting for me to argue. I opened my mouth to defend myself, but my mind, voice, and my conscious gave up, making me silent and hurt.