CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook

9 - biggest danger

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morning light filtered through the blush curtains, soft and golden, but jimin felt anything but warm. he sat at the kitchen table, staring at his untouched plate of food. 

his mom hummed quietly as she moved around the kitchen, the clinking of dishes distant. he couldn't stop thinking about last night - about jungkook. about the way his fingers had brushed his shoulder, light as a whisper, and how everything in him had seized up, locking him inside himself. so stupid.

he didn't understand himself. why did he always have to be so extra? why would he have that sort of reaction when he knew that jungkook wouldn't hurt him? it didn't make any sense. he felt defeated and useless. he'd messed it up.

jimin stared at the rice on his plate, but all he could feel was that moment. the moment he had pulled away, his heart racing, and how jungkook's eyes had widened in concern. not judgment, but concern.

what if jungkook thought it was weird? what if he didn't understand? how could he ever understand?

most days jimin felt like no one could ever understand. he felt these gutwrenching feelings that he couldn't even understand himself. most days he woke up with this emptiness inside him. he just couldn't shake it.

he didn't have the power nor the words to explain. he didn't find the words to explain what other hands on his body felt like. and he didn't find the words to reassure jungkook that it wasn't about him, it was about jimin's stupid body. 

every time somebody touched him he felt disgusted. it was a sensation of freezing in disgust, like it was wrong, the biggest danger. his heart would stop. 

jimin knew that to most people, touch felt warm. most people crave a warm hug, an loving embrace, sex, physical touch, maybe a soft kiss or a passionate one. to jimin, touch felt cold. it felt freezing cold, like something you wanna shake of. like a thread to your safety, your health.

jimin truly felt like no one was ever supposed to be near him. 

and therefore, it was even more confusing that ever since he had laid eyes on jungkook, he craved his warmth in a weird way. not even his touch, just his warmth. 

when he had first met him, he wondered how warm his body must feel. jungkook was a big boy with lots of muscle and a sort of warm... aura? his visuals had soaked jimin in and he found himself craving the hotness of the other's body.

next, he found himself craving to touch him and that was even more confusing. he suddenly daydreamed about touching his chest muscles or stroke his hair. 

and then, when he was sitting there in front of jungkook in the bar - he suddenly wanted to feel his warm hands on his own skin. and that was terrifying. when jungkook had touched him in this short moment, a blink of an eye, it was like lightening.

it felt like time stopped for a bit. he freezed. it felt wrong. it felt right. his skin was burning.

jimin sighed, pushing his food around with a fork, feeling his chest tighten. the last thing he wanted was for jungkook to think he wasn't into him, because that wasn't true. 

god, he liked him, liked him in ways he couldn't even explain. 

it wasn't jungkook's fault. it was his body's fault. his heart's fault. the tangled mess of feelings inside him that he couldn't quite figure out. it was the panic that surged from nowhere, the fear that swallowed him whole every time someone got too close.