CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook

32 - make things right

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the morning air was crisp as jimin walked to campus, his stomach fluttering with nervous energy. 

today was the first exam. 

the nervousness was tightening his chest and making his steps feel heavier. but once he was seated, the questions spread out before him, he found he could focus, his mind settling into the rhythm of solving one problem after another. his hands stopped shaking, his breathing steadied, and by the end, he'd managed to answer every question. it was a small victory, but it felt big to him.

when he left the exam room, jin and hobi were waiting with wide smiles, taehyung standing a bit behind, watching him with soft eyes that made his heart ache.

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that night, in the quiet of his room, jimin sat cross-legged on his bed, his fingers hovering over his phone screen. after the exam he had thought a lot about how he wanted to tell taehyung all about jungkook but it didn't feel appropriate. he wanted to tell taehyung all about dean and about the exams but he felt so distant.

he couldn't help but think that it was his fault.

he pulled in a deep breath, his thumbs gliding across the screen as he began to write.

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hey tae,
i'm sure you're probably confused to see this long message. i was too nervous to say it to your face today, but it's been weighing on me, and i know it's past time i apologize properly.
let me start by saying that i'm so, so sorry, for everything.
i know i hurt you by pushing you away. and i know you probably felt like i didn't trust you, or like i didn't want you around. but it wasn't because of you, tae. i think i was trying to protect myself, to hide all the things i felt ashamed of, and... i ended up hurting you in the process. i didn't want you to see me like that. i was ashamed of everything that happened with dean and of how broken i've felt since then. i was afraid that if you saw me, really saw me, you would be ashamed of me.
i think, deep down, i was scared you'd think less of me.
i never told you, but i cut dean off for good, once and for all. i told him everything i've been holding back, and it actually made me feel a little lighter. but it doesn't change the fact that i should have told you everything long ago. i didn't tell you how often he hurt me, how long it went on, and how much i've hated myself ever since.
there are days i can't even look at myself in the mirror. i can't stand the memories, the things he did, and sometimes i still feel trapped by it all. this empty feeling itself isolates me if that makes sense. it feels sick, like something i'll never be able to understand or explain to anyone. and maybe i was afraid you wouldn't understand either. but i know that's unfair of me. you've been the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and i should have trusted you with this.
and i know, i really know now, that i want you beside me.
i don't want to keep shutting you out, tae. i want to be a better friend to you, to be someone you don't have to worry about. i want to let you in more, to be less scared and more honest. i want to share things with you, like i used to.
and... i want to get better. i don't know what that really looks like yet, but i know i want to try. i want to tell you more of the things that weigh on me, even if it's hard. and i want to tell you about jungkook as well...
i think... i might have some feelings for him. he makes me feel giddy, like i'm experiencing something good and exciting. i've wanted to tell you that, to tell my best friend. i want to share all of it with you, tae.
but i can feel the distance between us, and i know it's my fault. i'm the one who made it that way. so please, if you're willing, can we meet and talk? i miss you so freaking much, and i want to make things right <3.

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