CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook

20 - but i care

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by day three, jimin's room felt smaller, like the walls were slowly caving in on him, suffocating him with their unbearable silence. his phone lay untouched, buried under his pillow, the faint buzzing of unanswered messages from jungkook and tae only adding to the heaviness in his chest. 

he had skipped uni, skipped life. 

even the thought of facing either taehyung or jungkook made him nauseous. how could he? they didn't know this side of him. they didn't deserve this. they deserved better.

he stared at the ceiling, unable to move, body sinking into the mattress like it was swallowing him whole. every second felt eternal, and he was caught in the loop of self-hatred, replaying everything over and over. he hadn't responded to jungkook's worried texts. he hadn't replied to tae either. not since... since dean.

the thought of dean being back in town made his stomach twist. the text still haunted him. 

they haunted him for too long over the last days. and then, just one word: okay. 

why had he done that? why had he even replied? his hand had moved on its own, as if driven by something deeper than reason, a force he couldn't control. and now, it was too late. he was back at square one, spiraling, pushing the people he cared about further away, just like he always did.

suddenly the door creaked, and jimin flinched, heart skipping a beat. 

he didn't have time to react before he saw taehyung slipping through the door, his soft footsteps barely audible. of course, tae had a key. of course, tae would sneak in when he hadn't heard from jimin for days.

"you really think you can ignore me?" taehyung's voice was joking but laced with concern. he carried a plastic bag, the smell of hot food filling the room. 

"i've been calling, texting... and nothing. three days, jimin."

jimin tried to sit up but the heaviness in his limbs made it hard. "i... i'm sorry," he muttered, voice dry, barely above a whisper.

taehyung placed the food on the table and crossed his arms. "no. none of that. what the hell is going on? you look like shit."

 his eyes softened, but there was an edge of worry that made jimin's chest tighten.

"nothing. just... tired."

"bullshit," taehyung said, sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning in closer to study jimin's face. "what's really going on? you've never skipped this much before. you've been off, jiminie. talk to me."

jimin bit his lip, avoiding tae's gaze. he knew tae wouldn't back down, not until he got some kind of answer. 

"i've just been... dealing with some stuff."

tae sighed, frustrated. "what stuff? i'm not leaving until you give me something real."

silence filled the room. jimin swallowed hard, heart racing as he tried to figure out how to explain the mess that had become his life. his gaze flickered to the window, avoiding tae's piercing stare, before he finally let out a breath. 

"dean's back in town."

tae stiffened. the name alone was enough to shift the entire energy of the room. he was shocked.

"what?"

"he... texted me. he wanted to meet me" jimin's voice was small, shaky, like he was confessing a crime. "i said okay."

tae's eyes widened in disbelief, then narrowed in anger. "you what? are you fucking kidding me, jimin?"

jimin winced. he knew this would happen. he knew tae would react like this. 

"i didn't know what else to say..."

"you should've said no. or nothing. fuck, jimin, why would you even reply? do you have any idea what you're doing?"

"he didn't know, tae," jimin whispered, his voice cracking under the weight of it all. "he didn't know what he was doing back then."

"he did know," tae shot back, voice rising. "he knew exactly what he was doing. when your partner doesn't respond, when they don't engage, that's not consent. that's not okay. you know that."

jimin's chest tightened, and he could feel the tears prickling at the back of his eyes. 

"that's what you say, but not everybody sees it that way."

tae stared at him, jaw clenched. "okay, fine. but if that's the case, then he's either an idiot or an asshole, jimin. and in either case, you shouldn't want him in your life."

jimin bit down on his lip, hard. his head spun with confusion, guilt, and the overwhelming desire to just... make it all go away. 

"he came to me. he texted me. i just left him without any explanation back then."

"so what? now you feel sorry for him? that's why you're letting him back in?" tae's voice softened, but the anger was still there, simmering beneath the surface. "you're too kind, jiminie. you feel sorry for people who don't deserve it. you have a heart that's too big for your own good."

"i don't care about my feelings," jimin said quietly, feeling the weight of his words settle in the pit of his stomach.

"but i care," tae whispered, his hand reaching out to squeeze jimin's. "it matters to the people who love you. don't go back to him, please."

the room fell into silence, the kind that suffocated, where nothing felt right. jimin could hear his heartbeat in his ears, each thump reminding him of everything he had ruined. too late. too late for anything. he couldn't undo the past, couldn't change the mistakes, and now, with the burning pain still fresh on his hip, it felt too late for even tae's words to matter.

"don't make stupid decisions," tae pleaded softly, squeezing jimin's hand once more.

well, too late, jimin thought feeling his sweat pants rub the wounds on his hip open.

his mind had already spiraled, deeper and deeper, until he was drowning in it all. it was too late. he had already ruined everything. he always did. and he was alone again, pushing taehyung away.

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