CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook

11 - boom

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BOOM.

jimin woke up to a sharp pain shooting through his legs. the door had slammed right into them as his mom barged into his room. he growled in agony, clutching his knees, but the pain quickly spread upward, his head pounding from the aftermath of last night's drunken chaos.

"shut up, hyung, my head hurts," taehyung mumbled groggily from beside him, clearly in no better shape.

"what the hell have you two been doing?" jimin's mom's voice was filled with disbelief as she carefully navigated through their mess of limbs on the floor.

jimin squinted, trying to open his eyes, but the light pouring in was too harsh. everything was too bright, too loud, too painful. his brain was violently banging against his skull.

"first of all, why does it smell like you marinated yourself in soju, and second, why on earth are you both laying on the floor?" she shot the curtains open, and jimin immediately regretted every decision that had led him to this moment.

both boys groaned in unison. "ms. park, i think i'm dying," taehyung croaked, struggling to sit up, one hand pressed to his pounding head.

"you look like you're already dead, both of you," she sighed. jimin rubbed his face, trying to scrub away the ache, the dryness in his mouth making everything feel even worse. his stomach churned. was he going to throw up?

"get a shower and come down for breakfast," she instructed before stepping over them again, her voice softening as she added, "and for god's sake, open a window. this room smells like a brewery."

as soon as she left, taehyung flopped back down. "how are we alive?"

jimin didn't even have the energy to answer. he dragged himself to the shower, letting the cold water shock him awake, though it did little to ease the ache in his head or the guilt gnawing at his insides.

at breakfast, jimin stayed silent, his stomach rolling every time he tried to eat. the rice felt heavy, like it was sitting in his throat, threatening to come back up. taehyung, though still hungover, was chatting easily with jimin's mom, explaining they had been at a party with friends. his mom's face lit up when she heard that. 

"friends?" she repeated, clearly thrilled at the idea that jimin was going out and socializing.

he wanted to join in, but the pounding in his skull and the sourness in his stomach wouldn't let him. he sat there, pushing food around his plate, barely able to listen, much less participate. all he could think about was how long it would take for his head to stop feeling like it was splitting open.

they eventually made their way to the bus stop, still exhausted, the world feeling too loud and too fast. it was friday. 

"who the hell thought a house party on a thursday was a good idea?" jimin muttered bitterly as they stood packed like sardines in the crowded bus.

"facts," taehyung agreed, leaning his head against the pole, eyes shut. university was no kinder to them. 

their first seminar was a blur of voices and whiteboard scribbles that jimin barely registered, his mind still foggy from the hangover. he found himself unexpectedly sitting with hobi and jin, two students he hadn't spoken to much before but who had a natural camaraderie with taehyung. they were working on a group project for diagnostics, and while jimin didn't say much, their easy banter and jokes brought lightness to his day.

hobi's warmth and friendly smiles were a relief, and jin's dry humor—sarcastic but always with a hint of care—made the task bearable. for the first time in a long time, jimin found himself naturally laughing along a little, even if his laughter felt strange, like he wasn't used to it anymore. they all agreed to meet up next week in the library to continue working, and jimin was surprised to realize he was actually looking forward to it. but the happiness didn't last. 

the second they parted ways, the weight of the night before came crashing back down on him.

the memories of the party, of j-jungkook. fuck.

god, his stomach twisted just thinking about him. 

jimin liked him, really liked him, but everything about the way his heart raced around jungkook terrified him. and last night... it had been fun. really fun. but that scared him even more. he felt like he was losing control over everything he had fought for for so long.

his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to see a text from jungkook. 

"how are you feeling? did you survive?"

jimin didn't hesitate to respond. "barely. what about you?" 

his fingers felt shaky as he typed, but it felt nice to reply quickly, without overthinking.

jungkook replied almost instantly. "a little rough but nothing too bad. i was more worried about you."

jimin's chest tightened. 

that familiar, awful feeling returned; the one where he felt like he didn't deserve this. didn't deserve jungkook's kindness, his worry. it made him feel like the worst person in the world.

he was truly the worst person in the world, horrible and disgusting. jungkook didn't know what he was getting into. didn't know the mess that jimin was hiding under the surface. he felt his throat tighten. he was unfair to jungkook, wasn't he? 

stringing him along, pretending he could handle this when, in reality, the idea of letting someone in, of letting jungkook see him - it was too much, he hated it. he hated himself for it. for being so messed up, for feeling like this all the time, for ruining something before it even had a chance to start. 

but he truly felt like he could never let jungkook get closer. it scared the shit out of him and he could never do it.

he texted back a quick.

"glad you're okay," before turning off his phone, feeling the weight of everything crash back down on him.

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