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over the next few days, jimin couldn't seem to shake the remnants of that dream with jungkook. each time he thought of it, the memory brought a shy smile to his face and a warmth that settled somewhere deep in his chest, soft and achingly sweet.
it was just a dream, yet his heart seemed to stutter every time his mind returned to it, and an innocent blush would color his cheeks whenever jungkook crossed his mind. the way jungkook's hands had touched him, gentle and reverent, felt as real as the sun warming his skin.
but every time he wanted to reach out to jungkook he found himself stopping mid action. he was incredibly afraid. afraid of touch, afraid of intimacy.
jimin was so frustrated with himself. he wanted to be close to jungkook but there was something inside him that made it impossible to cross that invisible boundary he had created. like a cement wall.
like he was frozen and not even jungkook could warm him up.
to make it worse: over the next days, the exam pressure had crept in.
jimin tried to stay afloat, keeping his head above the deadlines and study sessions, but each day seemed to pile more pressure onto him. there was a pit in his stomach that wouldn't go away, something heavy and relentless that gnawed at him no matter how many hours he spent at the library, no matter how many notes he filled his books with.
he felt guilty for not being enough - in all aspects.
and then there was dean, like a dark stain on everything.
he'd thought he'd put it behind him, but every time he closed his eyes, something about it clawed its way back. the guilt, the disgust, the shame, all of it felt like it was sinking deeper into his skin somehow. when he had dreamed about jungkook, it had felt so good. but afterwards, he just felt bad again.
and one night, the helplessness nearly drowned him.
he was working on his uni stuff when his breath started getting shorter. there was no reason but suddenly he couldn't breath.
not now, please not now
he closed his eyes and frowned his eyebrows due to the chest pain, tried to control his breathing but the panic attack swallowed him in big waves.
he walked across his small room, this way and back, the other way and back. he tried to look for anything to calm him down. he tried to lay down, his hands on his tummy, but all he could hear was this aching white noise in his ears.
his chest rose and fell in pain, he became dizzy.
why, god? why?
why me?
he felt like crying but the tears didn't come out. then he felt the hands again.
he felt them groping him more violent this time. he kept laying on his bed trying to calm himself down but he was already deep into his dissociative episode.
his whole body hurt, he cried, tried to shake the hands off. tried to get this heavy weight of his chest, this disgusting body that crushed him. he wanted to get out, break free, but he couldn't move. he shook his head, tears now streaming down his face freely.
stop it, please, he cried out but the words were hoarse, almost not audible.
no, i don't want to. please, i don't want to.
YOU ARE READING
CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook
Fanfictionjimin worked in a small flower shop in busan. one day, a mysterious boy named jungkook stepped into the store and their tragic lives would forever be intertwined. what had been once burried will be dug up. and love never dies a natural death. CIGAR...
