CIGARETTES AND TULIPS // jikook

21 - you know why

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the cold wind brushed against jimin's skin as he walked, hands deep in his pockets, head down, trying to ignore the twisting in his gut. each step he took felt heavier than the last, dragging him toward a place he never should've gone. tae's words still echoed, sharp in his memory.

but maybe he was never going to be ready. maybe he just needed to get it over with.

he saw dean waiting under a streetlamp, standing awkwardly with his hands stuffed in the pockets of a coat jimin hadn't seen before. 

he looked different—neater, cleaner, more put-together, like he'd stepped into a new version of himself while jimin had been trying to forget him. his hair was freshly cut, styled in a way that made him look more grown, more serious. for a brief moment, jimin felt his stomach clench in recognition of the man he used to love. but then it twisted again with nausea, and the weight of everything came rushing back.

dean saw him approach and smiled, a tentative, almost hopeful curve of his lips that made jimin's heart sink. there was something deeply unsettling about how good dean looked, how much he seemed to have changed on the outside, while inside jimin still felt like he was unraveling.

"jimin," dean said softly, as though the two of them were old friends meeting by chance. "i'm glad you came."

jimin stopped a few feet away, unsure of what to say, unsure of how to begin. he looked at dean, really looked at him, and felt an odd sense of displacement. this was the same man who had once held him, kissed him, told him he loved him—but it was also the same man who had left him shattered, torn apart in ways jimin still couldn't fully comprehend.

"why did you ask me to come?" jimin's voice was quiet, barely audible over the hum of the city. he felt like he was walking on thin ice, one wrong word, one wrong step, and he would fall into the freezing water below.

dean took a small step forward, but he didn't close the distance between them completely. he looked nervous, hesitant, like he was afraid of scaring jimin off. "i... i just wanted to see you. to talk to you. it's been so long, jimin. i've been going crazy without you."

jimin's jaw clenched.

crazy without him? 

he wanted to laugh, but the sound wouldn't come. instead, he stayed silent, his eyes trained on dean's face, watching as the man he used to love fidgeted under his gaze.

"why did you leave me?" dean asked, his voice soft, confused, like he didn't already know the answer. "i thought... i thought we were happy."

jimin felt something snap inside him, and before he could stop himself, the words were tumbling out. "you know why i left."

dean's face fell, his brows knitting together as if he didn't understand. or maybe he didn't want to understand. "i miss you, jimin. you're the love of my life. i can't live without you."

the way dean said it, so earnest, so sincere, made jimin's heart clench painfully. there was a time when those words would've made him melt, when he would've believed them without question. but now they felt like a trap, like a weight pressing down on his chest.

jimin looked away, unable to meet dean's gaze. "you touched me without my permission," he said, his voice trembling. "that's why i left."

dean blinked, his expression shifting into something like shock. he looked at jimin, really looked at him, and for a moment, he seemed genuinely at a loss for words. "i... i didn't mean to hurt you," dean said after a long pause, his voice cracking. "i didn't know, jimin. i swear, i didn't know."