A Desire for the Moon

26

The night wind brought uncertainty with it. The crashing of the waves that were always so reassuring were confusing. The stars shone brightly in the moon's absence. The silence was nerve-wracking. All the thoughts in Seokjin's mind did nothing but make noise. After knowing that all the members of Namjoon's group were alive, there were a million questions. There were also a lot of conflicting thoughts. Seokjin had immediately told Namjoon that he wanted to go home once he saw the twins, AJ and JJ. Namjoon understood where he was coming from and agreed to it. But he made sure to reassure the twins before leaving.

"It's okay. I'll handle this."

He had tried to handle the situation by talking to Seokjin but Seokjin needed time to process the entire thing. He was feeling a lot of things, and he needed to sort everything out before he talked to Namjoon.

A part of Seokjin was happy that Namjoon trusted him so much that he was ready to share the deepest, darkest secret with him. Another part of him felt betrayed by Namjoon. Now he understood why everyone in Barnlong kept asking him about why he didn't escape from the prison. It was really that easy for him, after all. He knew that Namjoon couldn't have done this without help from outside. Which meant someone in the empire could be bought. It was a concern for the empire's security.

As they reached home, Seokjin excused himself and went to the town dock. The dock had become a place he could go whenever he needed to think things through. He enjoyed the calmness of the water and soft winds that picked up wisdom with them. He had told Namjoon not to follow him, but he knew that Namjoon was secretly tailing him. Seokjin didn't have enough energy to argue with him, so he just let Namjoon do whatever he wanted.

That was a different problem for Seokjin. For the past few days, he had really just let Namjoon do whatever he wanted. Without questioning once. He needed to sort out everything that was going on in his head and probably his heart.

Sitting on the dock, the first thing he figured out was that he had developed feelings for Namjoon. There was no use in denying them. He accepted his feelings the moment he saw the twins. He knew that if it had been anyone other than Namjoon, he would have killed the twins right there and then. Or at least torture them to spit out the location of the other members without worrying about the consequences. He was sitting on the dock thinking about the situation because he didn't want to disappoint Namjoon. Namjoon had become someone important to him. If someone asked Seokjin when he started feeling that way, he would not be able to pinpoint the moment.

The conflicting feelings were crushing. The person that he wanted to control so badly was controlling his feelings. Seokjin was almost sure that the feelings were one-sided. He had never had to deal with this feeling. He was so used to being loved. Even if it was just for the show. Namjoon had never once faked his respect or concerns. But they were not the same feeling of love that Seokjin was harbouring in his heart. They lead to his next question. Should he get rid of this feeling? Should he confess?

That would be stupid. Imagine an emperor being rejected.

How deep were his feelings?

How far was he willing to go for Namjoon?

If the group had entered the empire to take Seokjin out, it would have been an easier fix. But the group being alive meant danger for Jimin. What would he do if the group got back together and started working again after Namjoon's contract was up? He had the perfect opportunity to make sure that the situation would never come. But that would mean betraying Namjoon's trust. It would mean proving Namjoon's hatred towards the crown right. He could really use a second opinion.

Ah, how he missed Hoseok and Yoongi in those moments!

They were his two voices of reason. He had always asked for their insight on almost everything. Especially in a situation like this. There was no one to tell him if he was doing the right thing or not.