A MAN TO HEAL

chapter eleven

POV Suki

I come home from my usual morning jog, I needed that more than ever to clear mind

Yesterday night was like...an endurance test

And I don't know if I really succeeded it

It's horrible what is happening to me, it's horrible

I've never felt such a strong attraction to a man before, and that's not the problem...the problem is that I know very well that I will never be able to have him but that still doesn't stop me from being attracted to him, and it torments my mind, it worries me

last night it was hard to stay away from him, not to be attracted by his luscious mouth,not to be seduced by his charisma,not to intentionally glance at his collarbone exposed by his jacket, his upper torso, not to think about how soft his skin must surely be to the touch

It's awful cause this man is getting married

It's not even an arranged marriage, he is really in love with her

And here I am, in the corner, falling in love with him as well even though he didn't do anything for that

If we forget about that one kiss of course

But still...

last night i was this close to letting him kiss me in the empty corridor, or just kissing him myself...i don't know, i had a strange desire to feel his lips on mine even if it's really not good to want that, or to think about that, i think my place in hell awaits me

there was something strong in the air last night and the champagne added a little to that tension, so that's why i probably spent half the evening thinking about his lips until my breasts were hard against the fabric of my dress

It's not like me, I'm not the type to have purely sexual thoughts like that, and yet it happened

And it's even dirtier when these thoughts are for a man in a relationship and soon to be married

So i did some journaling when i got home, i went for a run, i took a cold shower, and i finally ended up falling asleep, and all that just to end up finding him in my dreams and seeing him pin me against the wall of the corridor and kissing me against the painting "la mademoiselle en rouge "
I don't even know how the painting ended up in the corridor...but hey, everything is possible in dreams

Everything is so possible that i really found myself kissing this man who has a fiancée

No matter what I try, I can't escape him, he is always on my mind

Maybe I should talk to someone about it

Not to a regular person...maybe to a priest

To confess

I really should go to church and confess and ask for a penance or something

Cause desiring someone else's man is probably a sin

It has to be

Or maybe should I go to therapy ?

So I can get some advice or get a cure for this illness

Cause if it's a sin, it's also an illness

I don't know...I need to free my mind and it seems like run and pilates don't work

I wash my hands and decide to cook myself lunch for today

Cooking will help my mind focussing on something else for a few minutes

I cooked myself some macaroni and cheese with sausages cut into small slices, added some fried bacon and boiled eggs

I prepared myself a bento box to go to work with , I added two forks, just in case I would convince my grumpy of a office neighbor to share it with me