A MAN TO HEAL

chapter sixteen

POV Suki

I remain seated on my bed in the darkness of my room, mortified

What did I just do?

Who am I becoming?

I literally humiliated myself in front of a man like I had no shame

I want to scream, to cry

How am I going to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning?

How am I going to look at his fiancée in the eyes tomorrow when I know that I was literally ready to let him kiss me

Knowing that I let him touch me

Knowing that I kissed his lips

He said so many things to me, things that made me lose my mind just to politely reject me after

How embarrassing!

My hands are shaking

What the hell was I thinking?

I grab my pillow and scream into it, so hard that my jaw hurts

I had such a wonderful date and Alessio was so lovely with me, everything was so fine

Why couldn't I just sit my ass on my stool and ignore his role existence?

Why is it so hard?

I keep reminding myself that this man is getting married so I can stay away from him

But I just can't control it

I felt so bad, so guilty, so ashamed, when I went back to Alessio after what I almost did

I know he felt a little change in my behavior cause of the way I was laughing exaggeratedly in order to hide my emotions and my body shaking

I felt like I just cheated on him even though we're not dating and nothing has happened between me and Jimin

When did I become that kind of girl who kisses other's fiance?

I'm so ashame, mama didn't raise a homewrecker

I don't try to hold back the tears that come down in my eyes

I just cry myself to sleep in my pillow

There's no way I'm gonna meet this woman tomorrow

Maybe I could send Lorraine...

I'll just give her the address of all the venues I wanted to visit so she can do it instead

Alright...

That's what I'm gonna do

I refuse to meet Emily Marshall tomorrow

But when I woke up the next day, I felt like it was being very unprofessional to mix my personal feelings, my personal emotions with my job

And also, to get Lorraine involved in something she didn't even know

And...I can keep run away but one day I would still have to meet her face to face

I made my mistake, I should be the one facing the consequences

I put on my pink Lululemon set that I got for my birthday from one of my aunties and put my hair up in a bun

I don't know how many jog I'm going to have until I dry the flood of frustration inside me, of anger and pain too

Cause, why the hell is it so hard to move on when all the signs are so clear that he is not for me?

Not meant to be mine?