anticipation - stray kids

karmasutra

(n.) when fate fucks you over in all sorts of creative ways

iris - the goo goo dolls

"i just want you to know who i am"

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

jisung didn't know what was wrong with him. since the party, he'd barely left his bed, feeling like he was suffocating under the weight of something he couldn't even name. his chest burned, aching like a dull fire that never quite died down. the only moment it had eased was when minho had hugged him outside, holding him as he broke down. that single, fleeting touch had felt like a balm on his scorched soul, soothing a pain he hadn't realized was so deep.

but the relief had been temporary, leaving jisung to wonder if this was some twisted consequence of being only friends with his soulmate. was he cursed to be close to the two souls who'd destroyed him in countless lifetimes, forced to watch them live their own lives while he remained just out of reach, tied to them yet endlessly alone? each cycle seemed worse than the last, each life more agonizing as the gap between them remained, unbridgeable.

being a phoenix was miserable. he hated it. 

he cursed his father's side of the family for having it somewhere in their bloodline, even though he knew it wasn't really their fault. phoenixes were anomalies, after all. they could pop up anywhere, in any lineage, once every few hundred years or so. it didn't matter if you were connected to another phoenix or not, you could still inherit the flame.

and somehow, out of the entire population of the world in 1647, jisung had been chosen. it was almost laughable. an improbable, near-impossible twist of fate. he'd done the research, spent hours on obscure forums and dusty old documents online, trying to understand what he was. according to what he'd pieced together, there were only about fifty thousand phoenixes documented worldwide. he was probably the only one for miles, maybe even the only one in his country.

being a phoenix meant more than just reincarnation. some of them had unique abilities that went beyond the standard cycle of life and death. they could transfer the essence of an "undead" species, like a vampire or a wraith, to another being. it was an old, almost forgotten magic, used rarely and controlled strictly by the worldwide species investigation agency (WWSIA). the practice had been banned in the 1200s when powerful wizards had started taking on vampire traits to become effectively immortal, wreaking havoc with newfound 'invincibilty' and a longer lifetime to learn magic.

but jisung didn't care about that. he didn't want powers, didn't want immortality or any kind of special abilities. all he wanted was peace.

he lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the hours melt into each other. the room was dim, curtains drawn tight against the daylight. his phone buzzed beside him, but he ignored it, his mind a haze of memories and regrets, fractured pieces of lifetimes that bled into each other. he could barely remember what he'd done yesterday, yet he could recall every moment of each past life with painful clarity.

when he closed his eyes, he saw flashes—glimpses of lifetimes where he'd been close to chan, to minho. lifetimes where they'd laughed together, fought together, held each other. but every memory was marred by an inevitable ending, each one more tragic than the last.

he hated being like this, but what could he do? he was a phoenix, tied to this cycle that had no mercy. he was bound to them, and even when he tried to move on, something kept dragging him back. some invisible thread he couldn't sever.

his phone buzzed again, and this time, he glanced over. a message from minho.

are you feeling better?