Pita, continued

Chap.27, Actual insanity.

I woke up today, Monday the 28th, and went straight to listening to Tyler the Creator's new album. That's when I decided it was going to be a good day. I was excited but also nervous to see Emil at lunch today. I wondered what his reaction to seeing me would be after the conversation we had on Friday. It's not like it was a conversation that would prompt any reaction, but if my suspicions about him liking me were true then it might've. The whole day leading up to lunch I was feeling incredibly guilty about the whole thing. I felt like I was betraying my best friend. In a way, I kind of was. I kind of still am. But I was feeling more guilty about not telling her the truth than anything. Even though she wouldn't like to hear it, I figured she would be angrier if I didn't tell her. Especially now since I talked to Emil even though she gave me strict orders not to. I wasn't in the wrong for wishing him a happy birthday in my opinion, however I probably should have told Sophia that I did so against her wishes anyways. Well, it's not like it matters much now.

The whole time in ANP I was trying to subtly drop hints to her, although I could have been smarter about it. And looking back it probably would've been a better idea to just tell her straight up. I guess I was so afraid of putting our friendship in jeopardy by sharing the news, that I didn't realize by not telling her I was also putting our friendship in jeopardy. So, it seems like the joke was on me from the start. Now I also should have acknowledged that Sophia would never want to ruin our friendship over something as silly as a guy, but I guess I hadn't figured that our friendship wasn't like other "friendships" I'd had in the past. I guess that's what I get for having trust issues. And maybe a dash of trauma.

After ANP was over I decided in English to confide in mine and Sophia's mutual friend Cat about the situation. I knew she was a levelheaded person who would give honest and good advice. She basically told me she thought Sophia would be understanding, and that if she was a good friend, she'd just want me to be happy. Because that's what I was trying to do for her. I understood Cat's point of view, and I knew I really should tell her, but I was still feeling horrible about the whole situation. I knew Sophia didn't deserve any of what I was about to put her through. Especially after she had been so supportive of me through the entire series of unfortunate events this October. But I also knew the initial fallout could be way worse if I decided to wait even longer to tell her. Afterall, how horrible would it be if Emil started showing interest in me, and I waited to tell her until the last minute? And for what, because I'd think I was protecting her feelings? Not saying I'm being the greatest friend right now, but that definitely would put me in last place for friend of the year award.

So basically, all things considered I had made up my mind I was going to tell Sophia today. Hoping the earlier I did it, the easier the initial shock would be on her. When me and Cat met up with Sophia after English, it was hard to hide my disappointment when Sophia told me Emil wasn't here today. Cat shot me a look, and the three of us walked to lunch. The whole time at lunch Cat was saying things like, "You and Ethan would be so cute together!" to Sophia upon finding out that she liked Ethan too. And against my better judgement I agreed with her. Looking back now it was selfish of me. I guess I also thought by doing that I was protecting Sophia's feelings, although I just ended up making things worse for myself.

I got home today and called Sophia. I had to. It was eating me up inside. I struggled as I told her I still had feelings for Emil. She was upset, understandably. Although she said she wasn't mad about the fact that I liked him. She said she was just upset about the way I attempted to drop hints, and I hadn't told her sooner. This made me feel even worse because, truthfully, I was debating even telling her at all. I could tell she was angrier with me than she was letting on, but I was grateful she wasn't going off on me. And it seemed like she wasn't thinking about ending our friendship over this. That was my biggest fear. After I told her everything we called for about another hour. I was relieved, because it seemed like she had forgiven me a bit. Maybe she just needed time to process it. It still didn't make me feel better about myself, but what can you do?