Pita, continued

Chap.24, (Almost) Insanity.

August.

Today was the fourth day back at school. Nothing terribly interesting happened. I played matchmaker and saw Anesa in the hallway. (I have no classes with her) However, something did happen as I was leaving the school. The night before, I had wished on one of my eyelashes, just casually. I wished that I would at least see Haris one last time this week. And I was walking out to the bus, I noticed Haris walking next to me. I wasn't sure if he saw me, but I stayed walking behind him until we reached the busses. I was happy to see him, however when I reached my bus and sat down, I was hit by a wave of sadness. The only way I could describe it was a horrible longing. An emptiness, and a relentless craving to see him again. I almost had to hold back tears.

I think the reason I was so emotional was because it was the first time it started to sink in that we didn't have any classes or lunches together this year. It wasn't the first time I had seen Haris since school started, so it definitely wasn't because of that. "He looks more beautiful than ever" I thought, and the more I thought about it, the sadder I felt. Though when I got home, I felt a little more optimistic. I had wished to see him before the week ended, and technically I did. It felt really weird, pretending that seeing him had no effect on me whatsoever. It always feels strange nowadays, pretending that I'm completely indifferent to him. This isn't the most I've ever missed him, but it's up there. I guess I didn't realize how much I still wanted him. But hey, if that small wish of mine can come true, maybe the universe is feeling generous. I'd better not jinx myself, but maybe this year will be different. Maybe.

There's a saying. "You want it so badly, because you already have it in the future." I've been hearing a lot recently. Maybe it's true, like some unspoken rule. Or maybe it was made up by desperate and delusional people like me to be...encouraging? I sort of think it's a mix of both.

There's another saying, "good things come to those who wait." If that's the case, then I should definitely have a lot of good things in my near future. Key words, I should.

Listening to music that makes me think of him definitely is not a good idea right now, but I can't think of anything else to do. I miss him so much I don't know what to do with myself. "Why is this happening to me?" Is a thought I have pretty frequently, but especially now. The worst part is, I couldn't even tell him how I'm feeling if I wanted to. I can't even smile at him from across the room.  I can't even make eye contact with him. I feel like I'm going to go insane. Maybe I already am. It's insane how much I'm missing him, that's for sure. I know this is wrong. This is really, really wrong. I should be missing Tyler, not Haris. But I can't help myself. What is wrong with me? I don't understand why he's everywhere, including in my own head. Everywhere except where I need him to be, right in front of me. It feels like a horrible dream. I see constant reminders of him everywhere, but I barely ever see him. I feel like I'm being tortured. This has to be some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, right? I feel like I'm being punished, although I'm not sure for what. For liking Tyler? For technically leading him on? It really isn't my fault, it didn't have to be this way. If this is how I'm feeling only the first week back to school, I'm terrified for how the next couple of months will go. I feel the writing this is the only thing keeping me sane. So sorry if it feels like I'm pouring my every thought out onto these pages, but I'd probably go crazy if they stayed in my head. And who could I tell? The only person I want to talk to right now is still ignoring me. Does it make sense to miss a person you never had in the first place? Probably not. Especially when you just saw them a few hours ago. I got what I asked for, I really shouldn't be complaining. But being near him again just makes me want to be by him even more. And I know that's not possible, so now I feel stuck. I can't cry, it isn't really sadness that I'm feeling. Just an awful hunger for something that can't be satisfied. Just locking eyes with him again would be enough to make me happy for at least a week. I sincerely hope that the universe hasn't run out of its wish-granting desires for the week, because I really need this. Just making eye contact with him isn't enough anymore. Nor is smiling at him. If I don't talk to him soon, I actually will go insane. That pretty much sums up my mental state at the moment.