GENESIS FOR GEN Z

CHAPTER 27

So, Isaac was getting super old, like his eyesight was trash, and he hit up Esau, his number one son, like, "Yo, kiddo." He's like, "I'm as old as dirt, don't know when I'll check out. Grab your gear, your bow and stuff, and snag me some deer. Whip up that tasty dish I'm all about, so I can bless you up big time before I peace out."

Rebekah was eavesdropping when Isaac chatted up Esau, who then bounced to hunt. Rebekah schemes with Jacob, "I overheard your dad talking to Esau about some blessing thing. He wants venison to bless Esau big time in front of God." She's like, "Just do what I say, okay? Hit up the flock and bring me two good goats, so I can cook your dad's fave dish. You'll take it to your dad, get your blessing before the old man kicks it."

Jacob's stressing, "But Esau's all hairy, and I'm smooth as an iPhone. Dad will know I'm faking. He'll curse me instead of blessing me."

Mom's like, "Chill, I'll take the heat. Just do what I say."

Jacob does the deed, brings the goats, and mom cooks up a storm. Rebekah then decks Jacob out in Esau's best threads and goat skin gloves because why not. She's going full costume designer, putting goat skins on Jacob's hands and neck. Hands him the feast to take to Isaac.

Jacob rolls up to Isaac like, "Pops!"

Lies straight up, "It's me, Esau, your numero uno. I did what you asked. Let's eat so you can bless me."

Isaac's like, "That was quick, how'd you pull it off?" Jacob blames it on God.

Isaac, suspicious, is like, "Come here, I gotta check if it's really you, Esau."

Jacob get's a pat-down from Isaac, who's confused because the voice is Jacob's but feels like Esau. Isaac's old school, doesn't recognize him because of the goat skins. Ends up blessing him. Isaac double checks, "You're really Esau?" Jacob lies again. Isaac, "Serve up the food so I can bless you." Jacob does, even pours him some wine. After dinner, Isaac wants a kiss from his son.

When Jacob kisses him, Isaac smells Esau's clothes and blesses him with all the good stuff - dew, fertile lands, wine, and dominance over nations. Blesses him with the good life - dew from heaven, fertile earth, loads of grain and wine. "You're gonna be boss, everyone will bow to you, including your bros. Curses on your haters, blessings on your backers."

Just as Jacob bounces, Esau rolls in from hunting, ready to bless up. Esau's like, "Dad, sit up and eat my venison, then hit me with that blessing."

Isaac's shook, "Who are you?" Esau's like, "It's me, your firstborn, Esau."

Isaac freaks, realizing he's been duped, "Then who...? Whoever it was, he got your blessing and it's sticking."

Esau breaks down, devastated, begging for a blessing too.

Isaac's like, "Your bro pulled a fast one and ran off with your blessing."

Esau's bitter, "Jacob? More like 'Jacker'! Stole my birthright and now this! Don't you have a backup blessing for me?"

Isaac's like, "I made him boss over you, gave him all the perks. What's left for you, kid?"

Esau's desperate, crying, "You got just one blessing?"

Isaac, feeling for him, offers a consolation prize - living off the earth, but it's tough love. "You'll live by your sword, serve your bro, but eventually break free."

Esau's fuming with revenge plans for Jacob post-funeral.

Rebekah catches wind of Esau's hit list, warns Jacob, "Your bro's plotting to ice you. Listen to me, bail to my bro Laban in Haran. Stay there a bit till Esau chills. I'll send you word when it's cool. No way I'm losing both of you in one go."

Rebekah vents to Isaac, "I'm done with life if Jacob marries a local. What's the point?"