Mi Appartieni

Chapter Seventeen

Joshua walks through the door of his small apartment and looks around. It had only been nine days since he was gone but so much happened in that time that Joshua felt like he had been gone for years.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol were there to make sure he made it home safely. Joshua walks further into his apartment with empty hands. All of his luggage and clothes that he brought to Italy had been left behind. He'll have to replace what he lost eventually.

Joshua is looking around feeling a mixture of emotions filling him up. He was happy to be home, but at the same time, he couldn't stop himself from feeling that something was missing. And something - someone, was. Even though he was home, he never felt so out of place with that someone missing.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol watch as Joshua looks around with a subtle slump in his shoulders. They look at each other, worry laced in their expression.

Seungcheol sighs and beckons his bodyguards to come in. They obey with a few bags of groceries and begin unloading them as Jeonghan finally approaches his best friend.

Joshua is looking out the window. He runs a finger over the windowsill, dust collecting on the pad of his finger. He'll have to find the energy to clean at some point.

Jeonghan steps next to him, the two of them now looking out the window. "Shua." Jeonghan finally speaks softly, "What happened in Italy? What happened that you're not telling me?" Joshua flicks the dust off his finger.

He knows Jeonghan knows there's more to this story that he's not telling. Joshua wasn't ready to tell it all though. He didn't know how.

How did he even begin to explain the twisted, intense feelings that were running through him right now? How did he explain the reasoning for his sleepless nights? How did he explain the feelings that Seokmin had for him? He knows Jeonghan wouldn't understand.

To Jeonghan, Seokmin was a psycho that kidnapped Joshua and held him prisoner. There's no way he would understand that there was so much more than that. That the two had a connection that Joshua didn't know how to explain.

It didn't matter anyway. Seokmin was dead. Joshua could go the rest of his life keeping everything that happened just to himself. He never had to have that confusing and difficult conversation with Jeonghan.

"I've told you everything, Hannie. There's nothing more to say. Nothing more to tell. And even if there was, it doesn't matter anymore. All that's left is for me to go back to the way things were before I went to Italy. That's all there is. That's all I can do."

Jeonghan sighs. He knows this isn't everything. He knows what Joshua told them only scratched the surface of what happened. He wouldn't push though. Wouldn't pry. He knows Joshua. He knows that's not how to get him to open up.

All Jeonghan could do was wait. He trusted his best friend. The truth would come out one day. And Jeonghan would be waiting, ready to catch Joshua if he fell.

**

Sleep was never an option. And Joshua knew that. He tried. He tried for hours to let sleep overtake him but it was impossible.

Joshua didn't know when it happened, but he got used to Seokmin's embrace in the short time they spent together. There was a connection between them. An invisible string that tied them together. And now that it had been severed, Joshua was left to pick up what little pieces he had left of himself.

He's in the living room sitting on the couch, having completely given up on the bed. He's looking out the window, taking in the city lights as he allows the tears to silently stream down his face.

He had spent over a week surrounded by multiple bodyguards. Now that he was completely alone, he was left with the thoughts and memories that took over his heart.

He closes his eyes, wanting more than anything to just fall asleep and dream of Seokmin. Why was he like this? What had he become? He's never felt such yearning before. He's never missed someone's embrace like this before.

He didn't know what was happening to him but he just wished it would all go away. He just wanted it to all stop.

**

Days become weeks. Joshua never slept more than two hours each night for the last two weeks. He just tossed and turned, a new nightmare plaguing his slumber. He kept seeing it over and over again.

The bullet pierces Seokmin's side and he falls to the ground with a hard thud. The blood flows out of his unmoving body. His face is still even as Joshua shakes him, calls his name and pleads for him to wake up. Joshua was sure he was going to go mad.

"Shua!" Joshua snaps himself out of the memory of his nightmare with a gasp. The ramen he had been making for him and Jeonghan's movie Monday night begins boiling over on the stove. The boiling water burns his hand. Joshua retracts his hand with a shout of pain.

Jeonghan moves him aside, takes the ramen off the stove and turns off the burner. "Are you okay?" Jeonghan says with a worrisome voice as he grabs Joshua's hand.

Joshua hisses when Jeonghan touches the burn. "I'm sorry. Here." Jeonghan takes Joshua over to the sink and runs cold water over his hand.

"Be careful, Shua." Jeonghan says and he strokes the back of Joshua's head, his other hand holding Joshua's burnt hand under the water. "I'm sorry." "You don't have to be sorry, just be careful. I can't have anything happening to you."

A flash of a memory comes to Joshua. He and Seokmin were exploring the ruins in Italy. Joshua trips over some rubble but before he can fall, Seokmin catches him. Joshua crashes into his embrace, feeling his heartbeat under his hand.

"Be careful, Joshua. I can't have anything happening to you."

Joshua gasps and pulls his hand out of Jeonghan's grasp. He steps away, looking like he's seen a ghost. "Shua?" Jeonghan says in concern, "Are you okay?" Joshua nods, "I-I'm okay. Just tired is all."

"Have you still been having a hard time sleeping?" "I - Yes but... I also haven't left my apartment in two weeks. I think I'm just mentally exhausted too." "Do you want to go on a trip together? We could go to the Cape for the weekend, just the two of us. Well... and one of Cheol's bodyguards."

The bodyguard that was standing outside of Joshua's door, the one that Seungcheol never lets Jeonghan leave the house without, sneezes just then.

Joshua can't help but laugh lightly. He goes back to the ramen, taking more care this time, "That's okay, Hannie. I was actually thinking about opening the cafe again. I've had it closed for  almost a month now." Jeonghan helps him with the ramen.

"Are you sure you're ready for that? Don't you think you should take more time off?" "I still need to make a living, Hannie. I can't have you and Seungcheol pay for everything in my life."

"We wish you would let us do exactly that. You should just move into Seungcheol's house and only open the cafe on the weekends as a hobby. We would love if you did that."

Joshua shakes his head with a chuckle, "You know why I can't do that. I appreciate you two always wanting to take care of me, but you know I need to do things on my own too."

Jeonghan sighs, "I know. But just know the offer is always there." Joshua chuckles. "Come on," He says, "Let's eat." "You should wrap your hand first, I already see a blister forming."

Joshua looks at his hand and sighs. He can almost still feel Seokmin's heartbeat on his hand.