Beetlejuice: The Novelization

Chapter Thirteen: Beetlejuice

They are in the attic when the model cemetery starts flashing. "Look. It's him", said Barbara. "Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse." "Go ahead, Barbara, say it." said Adam. "Betelgeuse!" exclaimed Barbara. The two are teleported into the model cemetery. "What happened?", asked Barbara. "I think we're in the model", said Adam. "Look at that." They see a sign that said 'Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse' and it's pointing to a grave saying 'Here lies Betelgeuse.' "Well, where is he?," said Barbara. "What do we do?" Some shovels fall near the grave "Looks like we dig", said Adam. They start digging through the grave until they hit something. "It's about time!", exclaimed Barbara. It's the coffin of Betelgeuse. "I say we open it", said Adam. "Maybe we should knock first", said Barbara.

    The coffin shakes and the two climb out of the grave. A ghoul appears from under the grave. He is none other than Beetlejuice. "Adam. Babs", said Beetlejuice as he kisses Barbara. "Boy, you know how to pick 'em! Let me ask you somethin'. Is this relationship really solid? Do I have a shot at her at all?" "Excuse me" said Adam. "Sure", said Beetlejuice. "If I overstep my bounds, just tell me. Come on. You know what's beautiful about this. You two kids picked me. You didn't have to, but ya picked me. It makes me wanna kiss you guys. Come on, give me one." " I beg your pardon", exclaimed Adam. "All right. Let's get down to business," said Beetlejuice. "I've got a card here somewhere. Here. Here. Who do I have to kill? Hold that for me will ya?" He hands her a rat. "Whoa!" exclaimed Barbara. "There ya go", said Beetlejuice. "You don't have to kill anybody!", exclaimed Adam. "Ah! Possession! Got it!", said Beetlejuice as he throws his voice at Barbara. "Learn to throw your voice. Fool your friends. Fun at parties."

    "No. We just wanna get some people out of our house", said Barbara. "I understand. I understand", said Beetlejuice. "Now look. In order to do that, I'm really gonna have to get to know you guys. We gotta get closer. Move in with ya for a while. Get to be real pals. You know what I'm sayin'?" He hawks a loogie and spits it into his coat. "Save that guy for later." "My wife and I would like to ask you a couple of questions", said Adam. "Yeah. Sure. Sure, go ahead. Shoot", said Beetlejuice". "Well, for instance, uh...what are your qualifications?", asked Adam. "Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard. I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School", answered Beetlejuice. "I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague, and I had a pretty good time during that. I've seen 'The Exorcist' about 167 times, and it keeps gettin' funnier every, single, time, I see it! Not to mention the fact that you're talkin' to a dead guy! Now what do you think?! You think I'm qualified?" "What I mean is, can you be scary?", asked Adam. "Oh! I didn't know what you're askin' me", answered Beetlejuice. "Can I be scary? What do you think of this? He makes a scary face to scare in front of the two the viewer cannot see this. "Ya like it?"

    "Can you excuse us, please?", asked Barbara to Beetlejuice. "Sure", said Beetlejuice. "Talk amongst yourselves". The Maitlands talk amongst themselves. "Adam, let's go", said Barbara. "I know, but he can be useful later", said Adam. "No", said Barbara. "We can work something out ourselves". Beetlejuice grabs a stick and looks under Barbara's dress. "Oh yeah!", said Beetlejuice. "Hey! Hey! Hey!", exclaimed Barbara. "Excuse me!", said Adam. "What?", said Beetlejuice. "Excuse me! We are leaving now", said Adam. "Wait, wait. Oh, come on, don't go yet", said Beetlejuice. "Hey guy, come on, we're simpatico. Look at us. We shop at the same store Beetlejuice is wearing the same thing as Adam. "Hey, Hermano. Yeah, there you go." He squeezes Barbara's belly. "We're like peas in a pod. The three of us. Let's face it, you want somebody out of the house. I wanna get somebody out of your house. Look! You've been to Saturn. I've been to Saturn! Whoa. Sandworms. You hate 'em, right? I hate 'em myself. Come on, kids. What do I have to do to strike a deal with you two, huh?" His head spins around and he stops it; Barbara is aghast. "Don't ya hate it when that happens?"

    "Let's go, Barbara!", said Adam to his wife. "Wait! Wait! Wait a minute!", said Beetlejuice. "You all come up for a while. We'll talk inside. Come on. Come on." "I'm not staying here another minute", said Barbara. "We have to get out of here." "I'll fix somethin' to eat", said Beetlejuice. "Home! Home! Home!", exclaimed Barbara. The two teleport out of the model. "Barbara, how did you do that?", asked Adam. "Hope you like Italian. ", said Beetlejuice and he noticed that they are gone in the model. "Where'd ya go? Hey! Come on! Hey, where'd ya go? Hey! Come on! You've gotta work with me here. I'm just tryna cut a deal. What do you want me to do? Where are ya? You buncha losers! You're workin' with a professional here!" He kicks the fake tree down to the ground. "NICE FUCKIN' MODEL!!" He honks his crotch.

    Adam rights the tree from his model. "See. We can do this stuff on our own", said Barbara. "Besides, I'm not exposing that little girl to that pervert down there." "Barbara, we did call him, and he seemed awfully pissed off", said Adam. "I don't care", said Barbara until she came up with an idea. "I've changed my mind. Listen, I think we can scare them off ourselves... tonight. I have an idea."