Beetlejuice: The Novelization

Chapter Twenty-Two: "It's Showtime!"

Lydia goes over to the model and sees Beetlejuice is sitting on Adam and Barbara's headstones. "Where are you?", said Lydia. "Oh, help them, please". "Sure, I can help 'em", said Beetlejuice. "But you've gotta help me." "What?", enquired Lydia. "Look, I'm what you might call an illegal alien, ok?", said Beetlejuice. "I want out for good. In order for me to do that, hey, I gotta get married. Hey, these aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules. Come on, come on." Lydia looks over at the Maitlands. "Ya think of it as a marriage of inconvenience, ok? We both get somethin'. I get out. You get to say you're hitched to the most eligible bachelor since Valentino came over. We're even, babe." "Okay, just help them", said Lydia. "For sure", said Beetlejuice. Lydia. glances over at the decomposing Maitlands as they look at each other. She said his name three times, "Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice". "It's showtime", grinned Beetlejuice.

    The model starts shaking and cracks apart before Beetlejuice appears. "Attention, K-Mart shoppers," said Beetlejuice as he laughed. "Well, I'm back. I feel real good about myself. You know what I mean? So, without further delay... welcome to Winter River! Museum of Natural Greed! A monument to the bored businessman. Come on a little closer. Step right up! Test your strength!" Beetlejuice rolls out his arms, which form into hammers and launch Maxie and Sarah out of the house in a test your strength style. "Thank you. Thank you! Whew!", said Beetlejuice as he takes a bow. "That is why I don't do two shows a night anymore, babe. I won't- I won't do 'em. Well, what have we got here tonight, kids? We've uh, got the Maitlands. I think they've had enough "exorcise" for the night." Beetlejuice mimics a golf swing; Adam and Barbara drop to the floor.

    "Not so fast, Round Boy. We're gonna have some laughs." said Beetlejuice as he kissed him and laughed. "Otho", said Delia. Beetlejuice removes Otho's clothes to reveal a polyester suit underneath and Otho screams in embarrassment before running away. Charles and Delia motion for Lydia to come to them. "Mom, Dad:", said Beetlejuice to Charles and Delia. "I just want you two to know you're welcome in our house anytime you wanna come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, Dad." He hands Charles a bunch of snakes. "The Maitlands are taken care of. Everything seems to be back to normal, I think."