Beetlejuice: The Novelization

Chapter Twelve: Unspookable

That very night, in the study room, Charles was talking to his client, Maxie Dean on the phone. "Maxie, haven't I always made you money? That's the only real question". "Nobody made me money like you", said Maxie. "You were a demon until your nerves went. It's just that... Winter River, Connecticut is, if you'll forgive me, nowhere. Why would I wanna invest that kind of money in an old building way the hell up there?" "It's not a building", said Charles". "That's the beauty of it", said Maxie. "These people don't know the value of their property. I can buy the whole town." "So, we own a whole town full of nowhere." "Come and see", said Charles. And bring Sarah". "All right, Charles. It's just that I'm kinda busy here". said Maxie. "Just a minute, Max", said Charles. "Listen. Enough of this talk about visiting, okay?", said Maxie. I gotta go. You take it easy up there, big fella. Goodbye." Max, wait, wait, wait, wait," said Charles as Maxie hangs up. "Putz".

    Charles hears moaning sounds outside his door. He opens the door and sees someone in a bedsheet. "Lydia, is Connecticut so boring?", said Charles. "I had Maxie Dean on the phone, honey. Dad's found a way of making money while I relax, so would you scram? Your mother's gonna kill you when she sees you cut holes in her $300 sheets." "This is so corny", said Barbara. "Is this what we've been reduced to? Sheets?" "Think of them as death shrouds", said Adam. "And the moaning is important. Really moan!" They walk into Delia's room and try to scare her, but they can't. Lydia hears the moaning. "God, how can he stand that woman?", said Lydia to herself as she bangs on the wall. "Cut it out! I'm a child, for God's sakes." "I feel so stupid", said Barbara. "It's not stupid", said Adam. We're ghosts! Do you wanna spend the next 125 years having breakfast with this woman? Moan louder." They moan again, but it didn't work. "Oh, God", said Adam. They leave the room, but all of a sudden, Lydia takes pictures of them.

    "Sick. Sexual perversion", said Lydia. If you guys are gonna do that weird sexual stuff, do it in your own bedroom." She checks the photos, and it shows the bedsheets without the feet. "No feet. Are you the guys hiding in the attic?" "We're ghosts", said Adam. "What do you look like under there?", asked Lydia. "Aren't you scared?", asked Adam. "I'm not scared of sheets", said Lydia. "Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?" "Night of the what?", asked Adam. "Living Dead", answered Lydia. It's a movie." "Barbara takes off the sheet. "If I had seen a ghost at your age", she said to Lydia. "I would have been scared outta my wits." "You're not gross. Why are you wearing sheets?" asked Lydia. "We're practicing", said Barbara. "You can see us without the sheets?", asked Adam. "Of course I can see you", answered Lydia. "How is it you see us and nobody else can?", asked Adam. "I read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased", said Lydia. "It says, 'Live people ignore the strange and unusual.' I myself am strange and unusual". "You look like a regular girl to me", remarked Barbara. "You read our book?", asked Adam. "Yeah", answered Lydia. "You could follow it?", asked Adam. "Yeah", answered Lydia. "Why are you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?" "We were trying to scare your mother", said Adam. "Stepmother", said Lydia. "Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight."

    They go up to the attic. "You did this? You carved these houses and things? And this used to be your house. Why do you wanna scare everybody?" asked Lydia. "We wanted to frighten you so you would move out", said Adam. "You don't know the Deetzes", said Lydia as she scoffs. "My father bought this place. He never walks away from equity. Why don't you leave?" "We haven't left since the funeral", said Barbara." "Funeral!" exclaimed Lydia. God! "You guys really are dead! This is amazing." Suddenly, they heard Charles's voice calling her daughter's name from outside of the attic. "I better go." "Wait", said Barbara. "Don't tell your parents we're here." "Unless it will frighten them away", said Adam. "Tell them we are horrible desperate, ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing to get our house back." "What if this is a dream?" said Lydia. "Can you do any tricks to prove I'm not dreaming?" The two shake their heads. "If you are real ghosts", she continued "You better get another routine, because those sheets... they don't work." She leaves the attic.

    But then the very next day, Delia is preparing dinner. "Ghosts," said Delia to Lydia. "You're telling me we have ghosts in this house. Those pictures are of ghosts. Ghosts! Lydia, I am giving a dinner party tonight for seven people. My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman who writes for Art in America. In fact, no one dining here has not been in Vanity Fair except you." "I told them you were too mean to be afraid", said Lydia. "Don't you dare speak to others about me!" She retorted. "Being embarrassed in front of the few people who will set foot in here scares me. So let's play family just for tonight, hmm?" Barbara and Adam are listening from the kitchen door. "Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her", said Barbara. "She's got photos, Barbara", said Adam. "Adam, you have a photo of Bigfoot.", said Barbara. "My photo of Bigfoot is a different story", said Adam. "We've gotta get some help. We've gotta contact Betelmeyer or something."