unspoken

chapter 18

a week had passed. maybe it was a week, sunoo didn't know. he lost track of time.

he hadn't gone to school at all since that day, nor has he left his room. 

his sleep schedule completely disappeared.

you'd think that spending days in bed would mean he slept lots, but he truth is, he spent his time mourning over jungwon, texting his inactive account.

jungwonie
i miss you so much
i never got to say this enough, but i love you so much
i love you as a friend, a partner, even as family too.
you helped me feel normal, like i wasn't some alien disease infiltrating earth
you carried me through so many hard times and helped make school a place to look forward to
you made even the most boring lessons manageable
i was never brave enough to speak to people before you came. not even stand up for myself
i couldn't even accept the fact that i was a human, that i was equal with everyone else
i always felt that i shouldn't have survived
but you taught me how to see me, that i wasn't what others said i was
i could only be myself when i was by your side.
-sent 5:20
people are telling me to move on because it's what you would want,
but i don't want to let you go
i can't let you go.
-sent 7:02

let's just say jungwon's dms were flooded with messages.

messages that he was never able to read.

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"sunoo, please come out" he heard his older brother call.

"go away sunghoon" sunoo groaned, covering his face with his pillow.

"jake's here and he's looking for you. it's about..."

sunoo shot up, then hesitated. did he really want to talk about him again?

as much as he didn't want to, he still got up. it was probably important.

he was sore all over. his face was red and puffy, and his eyes were swollen.

he did manage to take a shower maybe a day or two ago (he couldn't tell), but it was one of those depressing ones where he stayed in there for hours.

he shuffled to his door, internally wishing that things could just go back to how it was before.

"oh sunoo..." sunghoon stood in partial shock, seeing a disheveled version of his brother for the first time.

"i know" he sighed.

"well, let's not keep jake waiting. he's downstairs."

he slowly descended down the stairs, meeting jake straight in the eyes as soon as he looked up from the floor.

jake's eyes were puffy too, full of pain. sunoo couldn't imagine what it felt like for jake, considering he's been there ever since jungwon was born.

"hey," jake greeted. "there's things i need to tell you"

sunoo nodded, walking with him to the living room.

"so, how have you been." jake asked, a scarce amount of liveliness in his voice.

"bad." sunoo said, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying. "you?"

"not well either." jake sighed. "sorry i didn't come earlier, i had to take care of things. my mom's a mess"

"no need to apologise."

there was a slight awkward silence, as both needed a little time to prepare themselves for the topic they were about to explore.

"first of all," jake said, pulling a somewhat thick envelope out of his bag. it hadn't even been sealed yet. "these are for you. from him."

sunoo stared at it, wide eyed. he reached a trembly hand out, taking the paper.

"i found it while cleaning out his room." jake said. "i'm guessing he was never able to finish it."

"oh..." sunoo sniffled. "why would he be writing me letters?"

jake's lips tightened, jaw clenched, as he bit down just enough to keep his voice steady. "there's something about jungwon that... that's been
kept a secret."

"what? what do you mean?"

jake paused a bit before speaking again.

"well... i'm just gonna give it to you straight. he had heart problems his whole life and our family knew he wasn't going to make it long."

"... w-what?"

"he was born with damaging heart illnesses. probably because my mom had terrible habits during pregnancy. the doctors and my father told her to abort, but she kept him. therefore, when he was born, we were told he could only make it to his twenties if he was lucky."

sunoo sat there listening to jake go on, tears welling up in his eyes as his body became stiff with shock.

"and he knew it too. he knew he wasn't going to live long, especially since his symptoms were  clear as day. hospital trips were a weekly thing for many years. that's also why he was homeschooled till this year. he was better at managing and hiding his illness, so that people wouldn't worry, but i'm sure he knew. he knew it was cutting away his time."

it seemed like jake was holding his breath as he spoke, so that he wouldn't cry.

"he made peace with his situation though, so he decided to live his last moments happily... with you"

sunoo couldn't hold in the tears anymore. as much as he tried to keep them in, they persistently rolled down his face.

"right after the first day of school, he came home telling me all about you. he noticed you weren't like the other kids, and so he really wanted to become friends with you. i told him a bit about you, and the next thing i knew, you two were stuck to each other like magnets."

vivid memories flooded through sunoo's mind. they felt like yesterday.

"he definitely went for quality time over quantity, because oh he would've done anything for you. you were the sun in his sky."

sunoo buried his face in his hands. he didn't want to cry again, but he just couldn't stop it. jake pulled him into a silent hug, gently patting his back to soothe him.

it reminded him of jungwon's hugs.

jungwon's hugs were the best. they were warm and tight, but not too tight. it felt like telepathic messages were able to be sent through them for comfort, it felt like he was wrapped in love.

it felt a safe bubble protecting him from all the bad in the world, a welcoming and secure house waiting for you in a storm.

sunoo was soon able to calm down as much as he could.

"i should get going now, i've got a lotta things to take care of." jake sighed, standing up.

"alright. thanks for coming over." sunoo replied, his eyes still glued to the envelope in his hand.

"i know it's a lot to process." jake said. "i'll let you know about the funeral date once everything's sorted out. till then, bye."

everything felt... awkward. with jake, and every one he interacted with. they were all mentally thinking about the same thing, but kept trying it
hide it to make others feel better. it was incredibly obvious.

sunoo knew jake had a lot on his plate, now that jungwon was gone, his father left, and his mother became a mess. he had to take care of everything. his cheerful and calm charm had been lost throughout the past week, as the only emotion left was sadness, which he had desperately been trying to hide.

sunghoon and ni-ki were of course, very sad, but they couldn't let themselves be. if they were down too, then there would be no one left to help anyone else.

it wasn't that sunoo wanted to let himself feel like this either. he just couldn't control it. he felt chained, like he was magnetised to it.

the only thing that could free him was jungwon.