Green, White, and Blue ~ A KotLC tale...

˗ˏˋ65: Sophie'ˎ˗

TW: suicidal ideation

"You kids, always getting into trouble." I never hated his condescending tone more than I did right then.

"Can you please just fix it?" I asked Mr. Forkle. "I can't deal with this right now on top of everything else. I already have the fake kidnapping thing going on. I'm going to be getting harassed in the streets if people think this is true, that I'm just dating Keefe for his fame." He sighed. I always hated that sigh. It made me feel like he didn't actually care about me, even though he was like a grandpa to me. Like he felt obliged to take care of me just becases he worked with my dad, but he didn't actually want to.

"I'll see what we can do." Then he hung up. He always has to hang up so abruptly.

I put my phone down next to where I was curled up at the foot of my bed. My arms were wrapped around my knees tight enough to the point that my legs were uncomfortably bent. I tried to take deep breaths, stop all the feelings before they caught up and overwhelmed me, but it didn't work.

Hey Sophie, long time no see.

I'd never thought there was a downside to photographic memory, or whatever upgraded version I had, until I realized how vivid the bad memories were. And how much my brain just loved to replay them. Over and over and over.

Also Sophie, I heard about what happened to you.

I can't imagine what you must've gone through. I'm just glad you're okay now.

Until I break.

Once it starts, I can't make it stop. It's like a never ending flood of everything and nothing. I feel too much, but also I don't feel anything. These emotions feel fake, I'm forcing myself to feel them because it's what I should feel. What I should be going through. But when I realize that, it just makes it all that much worse. It's like the emotions become real, like I'm suddenly snapped back into reality.

I gasp as the world spins around me, releasing my knees to slam my palms on the ground, steadying myself. I was dizzy for no reason, at least until I realized I hadn't been breathing. I didn't even know when I stopped. It hurt to start again.

I'm a big fan.

And that wink. That wink. He knew what he was doing to me, he knew I didn't tell Keefe. He knew I would listen to him, because he wasn't in jail yet. I should've told someone, but it's too late now. It's too late, he'll come back. My friends will turn against me. Biana and Fitz will pick family over me, they already did. Fitz already did, when he didn't believe me when I called him. They would never believe me.

I gently lowered myself to lay on my side as my room began to turn and tilt. I was breathing, but too much. I couldn't slow it down though, couldn't get enough air. It felt like my lungs weren't working with me anymore, like they were just doing whatever they could to hurt me more than I already was.

I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

He's coming for me. I can't go back, I won't go back. I can't survive that again, I can hardly survive this after-stage. It's too hard to be here, too hard to continue on like nothing happened, adjust like everyone wants me to. And things just keep getting worse and worse, piling on top of me and I can't fight it. I can't beat it.

I'm not okay, I'm not okay. I want to scream it, I want to tell everyone, let everyone hear my pain, see my struggle. But I can't get the words out. I can't get to my mom, only a floor below me. I can't make any noise besides a slight release of air. Besides the panting from my too-fast lungs.

Everyone's moving on without me, they're getting past the trauma and the pain, they're healing. So why can't I? Why can't I keep up, why can't I just be normal, why does everything in my life have to go wrong? Why can't I be happy for once, why can't I catch a break? Why can't I get past this?