Damaged Hearts

Chapter 25

Nicole

The house feels like it's holding its breath, waiting for something to break the stillness. It's been a week since the funeral, and the grief hangs in the air like a heavy fog, wrapping around all of us.

I stand in the kitchen, staring out the window at nothing in particular. Mostly just reminiscing on the last 2 weeks. The way the kids handled the news will haunt me forever. If I close my eyes I swear I can still hear their cries and see their faces.

"Mom?"

I turn at the sound of Landon's voice. His hair sticking up in every direction and his shoulders slumped. He's still wearing the oversized hoodie he hasn't taken off in days, it was Brians. I've asked him to let me wash it but he refuses.

"Yeah, honey?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Can I skip practice today?" His voice is quiet, hesitant.

I sigh, setting down the coffee mug I'm clutching. "Landon, you've already missed practice all week. I know it's hard, but—"

"It's not hard," he snaps, his eyes narrowing. "It's impossible. How am I supposed to be around everyone and pretend everything's fine when it's not?"

His words cut through me, and I step toward him to offer a hug, but he shakes his head and storms upstairs before I can say anything.

I lean against the counter, closing my eyes for a moment. The sound of footsteps makes me look to see Audra standing at the bottom of the stairs, her arms crossed but not angrily.

"Landon's mad," she says softly.

"I know, he's not mad at you," I reassure her.

Her eyes fill with tears. "I miss him, Mom."

Her words punch me in the gut. I open my arms, and she meets me halfway for a hug. Her body trembling as she cries against me.

"I miss him too," I whisper, stroking her hair. I didn't miss him for my sake, I missed them for theirs more then anything. It's a difficult thing to navigate given our situation and how things ended and were going. Zach and the therapist told me however I felt, was okay and there was no right or wrong way to feel when it came to grief. Everyone handles it differently.

Zach insisted on getting all 3 of us in therapy almost immediately. It's been helping I think. The kids are still pretty off but I'd like to think it would be worse without the therapy.

A few hours pass, the kids and I are watching a movie in my room but I came downstairs to make us lunch. Zach enters the front door, only scaring me slightly. I knew he was planning on stopping during his lunch break.

He walks into the kitchen, dressed in uniform, I smile. When our eyes meet, his expression is soft and concerned.

"How's everyone doing?" he asks just above a whisper and brings me in for a hug.

"Not how I'd like," I admit, my voice breaking. "Landon's angry, Audra's sad, and I... I don't know what to do anymore." I shrug. The weight of everything is hard to carry alone. When Zach is here with me, it's the only time I feel like I can open up and be vulnerable. I have to stay strong in-front of the kids.

His arms tighten around me. "You're doing everything you can, sweetheart. They'll get through this. You all will."

I nod against his chest, but deep down, I'm not sure I believe it.
•
The next day, the rainy weather predicted to last all day, mirrors the mood in the house. I wake up to the sound of Landon's door slamming shut. He's been doing that a lot, slamming doors, stomping around, trying to make his anger known.