Crossed [COMPLETED]

One.

EDITED.

It is exactly a year after my graduation ceremony. I should be in college, far away from home. I should be busy with school work, maybe even enjoying college life, just like every other teenager. Except, I wasn't.

I always imagined how life would be if I get to enter my dream college after graduation, just like all my other friends. What would college life be like? Is it true that the professors are as serious and mean as what our high school teachers describe them to be? Who would be my room-mate? Would I get along with her or would we be bickering all the time? Would I be worrying about my tests? Would I be sitting in the library with papers spread across the table in an organized mess while I stare at a math question that I can't seem to solve even after one whole hour?

I always wondered what I will be doing right now in college if dad didn't walk right out of our lives a year ago, leaving mum to raise all 5 of us alone with no hesitation. 

Deep down, I always blamed myself for it, no matter what mum would tell me. Sometimes, I sit in bed at night wishing that I haven't snuck out that night, then I wouldn't have caught dad cheating on mum with another woman down the street. Somehow, I felt that it was my fault. If I kept it a secret from mum, maybe we still could be one big happy family and maybe I would be college right now. But how could I not tell mum? She deserves to know.

I once thought that after my graduation, everything would finally be falling in place. But that was foolish of me. Life was never predictable or within our control. Things will change, for the better or worse, and in this case, it is the latter. After I told mum what I had seen, she broke down. Tears streaking down her face as I held her in my arms. comforting her with words I know aren't true. I watched as mum lashed out on dad and chased him out of our home that very night. And just like that, he was gone from our lives. Never once did he try to come back or even bother contacting us, it's almost like he vanished into thin air like he didn't exist. 

I hated him for that. Yet, every day, I still secretly hoped to see his number flash across my screen, hoping that he would call me. Eventually, one whole year had passed, and that day never came. Slowly, the flame of hope in me had already extinguished. I wanted a new life, to move away and get into college, to leave everything behind. I thought that would be the perfect way to run away from everything, to run away from all my problems, despite how selfish it was.

I remembered how I threw everything I needed into a small suitcase that sat in the corner of my room, crying as I stuffed my clothes into the tiny space. It was 3 am in the morning, the sky still dark, only with a few street lights barely lighting up the empty roads. I was ready to leave. To where? At that point, I didn't know, all I knew was that I wanted to leave, to get away from there. I remembered how I quietly dragged my luggage with me, careful not to wake anyone up. Step by step, the wooden floor occasionally creaked way too loud beneath me. I was just about to reach the door when I felt someone tugged at my arm. It was Alexander, my 4-year-old little brother. "Where are you going?" He asked, rubbing his tired eyes before looking up at me with his innocent round green eyes. I let him hold onto my arm and at that moment I knew I couldn't leave. I took in one deep breath as I wiped away a stray tear."I'm not going anywhere."

We didn't have much money left since dad spent most of it on cigarettes and alcohol and with mum working at her old job which only pays a few hundred per month, we are barely making it. Last summer, she fell ill, but mum being mum insisted on working still. I told her to quit her job and stay home to rest until she is fully recovered. I took the liberty of getting myself odd jobs and decided to stay in New York. I can't afford to go to college but I only watched as my friends gradually move away to different parts of the world to pursue a life after high school while I am stuck in the same old place wiping tables and mopping floors. Sometimes I would sit around thinking about how my life sucked and how much I hated this. But when I thought about how I am doing this for my family, I realized maybe it ain't so bad after all.