Wintercearig (A Lawlorff fanfiction)

Chapter 3 // tw

I've been living at the house for three days and it has been the best and the worst time of my life. I love the boys so living with 4 out of the 5 other guys in O2L is such a blessing. However, it means that I see Kian constantly and it is breaking me. I love him so much but he's so head over heels in love with Andrea that its like I don't even exist.

You shouldn't exist. The voice in my head tells me. Everyone would be better off. Especially Kian. He probably hates you ya know. Probably thinks you're disgusting and repulsive. He's right too, you fucking faggot. You're worthless. You suck.

I feel the tears start to roll down my face and I finally give in. I take the tiny box from in my nightstand drawer and rush down the long ivory hall to the restroom. I quickly lock the door because no one can find out about this.

**trigger for: self harm**

I take one if the many blades out of the box and begin running it across my wrist.

One for forgetting to upload until today.

Two for being gay.

Three for loving Kian.

Four for eating yesterday.

Five for being so fucking whiny.

Six for always fucking up.

Seven because I suck.

I stop there and quickly clean up my mess so no one gets suspicious. I cover my wrist in anti bacterial cream and bandaged it up before rolling my sleeve back down and returning the blade to its box.

**safe to read starting here**

I shove the tiny package into my sweatpants pocket before I leave the powder room and walk back down the hall to my room, directly across from Ki's.

I scurry into my room and put the razors back in the drawer. Maybe I should go and socialize some. They're letting me live with them so I ought to at least interact with them. I go down the stairs and see Kian sitting shirtless at a stool by the kitchen island.

I go up behind him and hug him loosely, pretending to be half asleep. Unfortunately I don't notice that the in the process of me hugging him from behind, my sleeve rose some.

"Good morning Sammers." He says and spins on the stool to face me. He picks me up like a koala and carries me to the surprisingly empty lounge.

"Where is everyone?" I mumble into his skin. He sits down onto the couch and brings me with him onto his lap.

"Connor's up at Tyler's for the weekend, Jc's with Lia, they're on vacation for the week, and Ricky is visiting Jack for a couple of days. Its just us" He says with a nostalgic tone to his voice. I lean back slightly, and move a piece of hair out of his face but I'm stopped halfway through .

"Sam, what is this?" Ki asks and points to the bandages covering my self inflicted injuries although I'm sure he can already assume what's under them.

"I uh... Its a bandage." I whisper and look everywhere but his eyes.

"Baby.. what's under the bandage?" He lets the pet name slip and I hold back a wide grin when I realize that he's found out.

"Kian. Its not what it seems?" I say and he states me deep in the eyes.

"Please Sam." His voice cracks and mine does to.

"God I'm so sorry Ki." I sob out as he discovers one of my biggest secrets.

··|KIAN'S POV|··

I can't believe him. Does he have any idea what this looks like? I hesitate to remove his bandage because I know that whatever is underneath could ruin me. After I gain enough courage, I kiss Sam's forehead and wipe away his tears with my thumbs before slowly peeling back the bandage. What I see will stay with me for,the rest of my life.

I hear a gasp and recognize it as my own. There's hundreds of scars, dozens of scratches, and multiple fresh cuts. I see some tears fall down in the red and white lines and I look up at Sam to see if they're his but they wouldn't fall there from his angle.

The tears are mine. I can't believe someone so beautiful, so perfect, would do this to themselves. And I certainly never expected my Sammers to have these kind of marks.

"Why?" I choke out.

"Its not important.." Sam says and I feel my heart drop.

"Yes, it is Sam. Whatever, or whoever, is making you do this deserves to die. You're important to me Sam. Fuck, you're probably thee #1 most important person to me. You always have been and you always will be. Okay? Now just please tell me why.." I say now cradling him in my arms.

"Damn. Uh. I like this guy an--" he cuts himself off. "fuck um, you weren't suppossed to find out like that. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me Ki." He whimpers into me.

"Hey hey, Sammers. Look at me" I command and I use my fingers to tilt his chin to face me.  "I could never hate you. Especially for something like that. Alright, I love you. Nothing can ever change that." I say and rest my lips in his hair.

"Right, okay I'm. We'll I like this guy and I mean I really like this one, Kian. He's literally so perfect and I cannot stop thinking about him. But then there's me. And you see me. I'm not hot or cute or thin or anything that he's looking for. I'm quite the opposite actually. I'm repulsive, Ki. And it hurts because I know that he probably will never like me, let alone love me." He cries and I feel something like a pang of jealousy run through me when he talks so admirably about this guy.

"Who is he?" I ask in a monotone voice.

"Oh god I can't tell you. I'm so sorry. Sorry, Ki-bean." He says anxiously.

"Its alright. One step at a time here but god Sam... How could your ever even begin to think like that? You're fucking perfect. In every single way possible to be real. And this guy... He has to love you. Its impossible not to. And he's not worth this." I gesture to his wrists. "And you're never going to do that again. I'm not letting you. Because fuck.. Sam the thought of living without you turns into nightmares. Not seeing you ever again... I can't fucking do that. Do you have any clue how much I care? How much you mean to me? You're everything to me! How could you ever... Never leave me, Sam. Ever. And from now on, whenever you feel like this, come to me. I don't care if in just laying on the sofa or on national television. You come to me. And we'll talk about it. And if you still feel like cutting, you can go ahead and slit my wrists too because the pain you cause yourself pains me; and I rather be hurt than you." I say hugging him tighter and tighter every second. I'm choking out sobs by now and so is Sammy but he nods eagerly at my words.

"I love you, Sam Pottorff. I love you so so much. Never leave me." I kiss his forehead twice.

"I love you, Kian Lawley. I love you. I could never leave you."

"Promise? I ask and stick out my pinky  for reassurance.

"Promise." He says linking his finger with mine, sealing the agreement.

We cuddle in that sofa until we both drift off. And I have to confess, I sleep best with Sam.

a/n wow okay I updated twice in less than 24 hours?? what??