Pandemonium | Hyunjin

A descent into madness

"Okay, you were right. I'm finally admitting it, you were right. I think it was a bad idea to bring Carmen to Pandemonium." Hyunjin's arms crossed over his chest. He didn't look up to glance at Chan. 

"Chan isn't going to say it, so I will," Seungmin butted in. "He told you so. He told you that from the very beginning, but here we are. Here she is and now you're stuck, pal. Sucks to suck. Get fucked." 

Hyunjin frowned and Chan rolled his eyes. Hyunjin stumbled into Chan and Seungmin on his way to the bathroom. The three of them were standing beside the train and mumbling in the dark. Other staff members were asleep and that included the other performers. Hyunjin left Carmen alone, temporarily. She rarely woke up this early, so he was hoping he could get away with this. 

"Do you, at least, still like her?" Chan asked. 

"Of course, I still like her! What kind of question is that? In fact, I'm pretty sure I might love her. I just don't enjoy hiding things from her, you know? It makes me feel guilty. I don't want her to get hurt." 

Seungmin scoffed. "You've got to be kidding me. You can't tell her! You know what we do! Tell her and then what? You'll ruin what you have. Isn't it just easier to keep things how they are?" 

"It makes me feel like a piece of shit." 

"Sounds like a personal problem." 

"Enough. Hyunjin, this is why I was worried from the start. You know why we have these lives. You know why we're constantly traveling. We do what we do for the survival of everyone involved. This is so much more than us. We can't stop this even if we wanted to." 

"This is bullshit," Hyunjin mumbled. 

"Bullshit? Seriously? This is a huge fucking blessing. Our existence is valid and-" 

"Seungmin, you're not helping," Chan cut him off. 

Seungmin rolled his eyes and mocked Chan. The two of them cut off their argument when a squeak down the way occurred. Hyunjin glanced between the pair, trying to figure out who was coming out of their trailer. He inched around Seungmin and paused when he could make out Carmen's outline. 

"Speak of the devil," Seungmin grumbled. Chan reached over and thwacked the back of his head. He hissed and rubbed the sore spot. "What the hell was that for?" 

"Straighten up." 

"Hyunjin?" Carmen called out. 

Chan reached over and gave Hyunjin a gentle shove. He brushed himself off and headed towards Carmen. "Hey, are you okay? You look about as pale as a ghost. Did you have another nightmare?" 

"Something like that." She glanced over his shoulder and hesitated to come closer. Chan and Seungmin had their eyes upon her. She felt like a microorganism beneath a microscope. "Can we talk for a moment?" 

"Yeah, what's up?" 

"Alone." 

"Of course." He reached a hand out to hers. She took it and let him lead her back to the train car. The further they left Seungmin and Chan, the better she felt. 

A loud laugh caused her to stop. Cursing filled the air and Hyunjin gasped. She jerked her head over her shoulder and her eyes widened. Beneath the fluorescent white light, Felix was grinning and skipping in their direction. "Hey, guys!" 

"Felix!" Seungmin cried. "You fucking idiot!" 

"Bang Chan!" 

Bile rose up Carmen's throat as she stared at him. Her vision speckled with dark dots. Her stomach knotted and lurched. Felix's warm brown eyes met hers, but they weren't brown anymore. Totally black, she was staring into the void. Fear churned her blood and shot through her bones. 

Bright red blood covered Felix's hands. Shoved beneath his nails and splattered along his t-shirt. Dots speckled along his freckled cheeks. A smear fell beneath his left eye. 

She didn't call out Hyunjin's name. She didn't rush to Felix to find the wound. All she could do was scream. She screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. It broke through the silence of the night and the animals let loose. 

The lions roared. The elephant trumpeting sounded like desperate wails. Growls forced from the back of the lions' throats. Seungmin's face looked different this time. Not controlled by domination, instead, it was fear. Something unraveled outside of his control. 

Her vision darkened. 

She jerked awake, screaming. Her hands pushed at the blankets, trying to force herself up. She gasped for air and tears filled her eyes. The scent of copper blood stained her nostrils. 

Beside her, Hyunjin jerked up with a sleepy voice. "Carmen? Hey, it's okay, it's okay. Just breathe." 

She frantically shook her head and shoved the blankets off her legs. In her chest, her heart pounded wildly. The only sound in the trailer was the faint hum of the heater. There weren't angry lions or shrieking elephants. 

Tears trickled down her cheeks and she struggled to understand what happened. She swore what she experienced was real, but now she was in her bed. Hyunjin was right beside her. Tucked away in the inside warmth, the frozen air couldn't reach her here. The judgmental scowls from Seungmin and the silent loathing from Chan — she was untouchable here. 

"You're okay. You just had a nightmare." Hyunjin leaned over and wrapped his arms around her frame. "You're alright, I promise. You're safe with me and I've got you." 

He pulled her closer with powerful arms. His hands looped around her back and he let his arms tug her tight. Her body shook and his chin found the top of her head. "It was just a dream. Try to suck in a deep breath. You're hyperventilating and going to make yourself pass out." 

"I thought-" 

"Just a nightmare." 

"You don't understand!" 

He reached down and gently grabbed her wrists. "Probably not, but you're freaking out. You're all worked up and it's hurting you rather than helping you." His thumbs brushed away her tears. "Just humor me, will you? Breathe with me?" 

There was only sympathy in his voice. He studied her face with eyes full of concern. He sucked in a slow deep breath and she followed along. The more she breathed, the better she felt. It was like her head came up for water after being submerged for far too long. 

"Feel better?" 

She nodded, but as she replayed the dream, goosebumps coated her arms. 

Something didn't make sense.