The Strength of a High and Noble Hill (An Outlander Story)

Chapter 59: Buying Forgiveness

Brian is sitting by Murtagh's burial plot – he knows Da, with time, is planning on having a tombstone made with Murtagh's name engraved on it to replace the cairn but for now... – as a thick mist descends over the Ridge as the sun sets over the Blue Ridge Mountains. A place for peace and quiet; the surrounding environment is tranquil, idyllic, and undisturbed.

In the distance, trees tower their branches outstretched as they reach for the darkening sky. The ambience is filled with a symphony of chirps and distant howls. There's a relatively unseen, untouched peacefulness to them, the kind that can only come from insouciance to the passing of time. His eyes wander aimlessly, taking in the strange reality of a world devoid of his usual daily comforts. No stores lining the streets, no telephones, no cars, no movies. Just the vast greenery and trees as far as the eye can go.

With no one to witness, he wants to experiment, to formulate sounds. He takes a deep breath. The air rasps against his windpipe – his face twists as he struggles, coughs, and clears his throat, but it doesn't work. No sound will come out. He prepares to try again. His mouth forms the shape of the words but he still can't make a sound. And he knows Mama's right, there is a psychological problem that is getting in the way. He is suffocated by everything that is not said, all the things he wants to say by the fear of the consequences of his words.

He takes another gulp of the whiskey he'd poured from the barrel he'd rolled to this spot from the distillery. He's on his way to becoming drunk to forgetting it all as much as he can.

"Would you mind if I join you?"

Brian startles, looking up to see Lord John standing above him. He had noticed the man's approach. However, he shakes his head no and gestures for the man to take a seat next to him. He doesn't mind the older man's company.

John Grey arrived the day Jocasta had set to return home. They did cross paths before she left and John expressed his condolences to her for the loss of her friend. He, like all of them, is aware that they had been far more than friends, but he knew to not speak of it. He's come with a suitcase full of books and gifts. Ellen has already tried to excitedly show Brian John's gift, an astrolabe, explaining how John has shown her how to use it to find her position and tell the time, but had been left disheartened when Brian had simply stared blankly at her, unable to bring himself to engage with her.

There had also been a letter. They had sat around the table as Da took the letter and read it. It was from Tryon, acting as a sad excuse for making amends for what he did to Brian. And, as a way to buy their forgiveness, had given Brian a land grant of 5,000 acres. The absurdity of it. Five thousand acres of wilderness, in exchange for a life almost destroyed. Cancel the "almost," he thinks. Brian had let out a grunt of frustration and had stormed out and later found himself at Murtagh's grave with his father's whiskey.

"I gather you're not pleased." John awkwardly remarks before taking a sip of the whiskey Brian's offered to him before handing it back. Brian gives him a disbelieving look and John is aware enough to look ashamed at his remark.

Brian rolls his eyes. Of course, he's not pleased. He's been struggling with what's happened to him and Tryon just wants to wave it away and magically make it disappear? Another rich man trying to buy forgiveness.

"I know it's an insensitive thing for His Excellency to do," John continues, "but you have to admit that his offer is too good to pass up. To build your own home, perhaps have your own farm and the like."

Brian lifts one shoulder in a slight shrug. He doesn't think so, but mouths a silent, "Maybe."

"And, er, I brought another letter but I, um, thought it best to hand it to you in private." Brian looks at him questioningly as John pulls out another letter from his pocket. "It's from, er, Brynmor."

Brian can't help but flinch at the mention of his name. John offers the letter to him but he shakes his head. He can't.

"I know I warned you to be careful but it might offer you some comfort," John pleads, "and I can send a reply—"

Brian lets out a silent grunt before shaking his head and pushing the letter away. He can't carry whatever it was that he had with Brynmor, it wouldn't be fair to the other man. He can't speak. He feels like he's not whole. He doesn't feel worthy.

John nods, reluctantly accepts his refusal and instead offers a toast to Murtagh. It reminds Brian that John is a good man; that he would toast to a man that was his political enemy. The two of them toast and take a sip each of the whiskey as the sun sets around them.