✪𝖄𝖔𝖚 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝕸𝖊✪

Like cousin, like sister.

"How are you" N asked quietly, sitting next to her. The perched on top of the bunker, where a soft breeze kept them cool. 

"Good..." She whispered.

"I admire you..." He said, smiling at her.

She raised an eyebrow and smiled softly.

"Why? Shouldn't you be scared? I don't get you N, truly. You are weird...I cannot figure you out. You used to be full of hatred and pain; you were so lonely. But now? It's like someone breathed life into you...ever since she came here" She quietly whispered, closing here eyes.

"Yeah? Well, I never really wanted to live until I met her. It was like walking on the line between life and death, and I was just waiting to be pushed over" He chuckled.

"How did we become friends, N? I tried to kill you and your crew when we first met..." Doll said reminiscing.

He remained quiet, letting the breeze ruffle up his hair.

"It was the same thing that drew me to your cousin. Behind all your anger and pain...I saw loneliness, I saw a heavy burden. I saw that you didn't care about your life, and the only thing kept you going was revenge" He said sighing.

"It was something we all shared, and maybe that's why in a crowd of people,  faces were all blurred out until I met you. To be honest, when I looked at you, I saw myself. It was like looking in a god damn reflection" He looked her in the eyes, his face softening. 

"But the more time I spent with you, I realize you are more similar to your cousin. Despite the pain inflicted on you, you always would desire to convey love" He said.

"How can I love others, when I do not love myself. You have no logic"she said abruptly. 

"That's how Uzi and you are similar. You both convey love through lies" He whispered softly.

"I admire you Doll, truly, I do! It takes a lot of strength to pull through the pain of just waking up, only to drain yourself of blood to save your cousin. You're a terrific liar...I know you well. You're not okay"

"I don't know what you're talking about" She said, looking away.

"You taught me to lie and be cruel to survive. And yet...you taught me to let go, and not blame myself. But, if it seems like you can't move on, you're still stuck in your loneliness"

"Doll, you said you owed me a favor, and I think I know what I want" He remembered. 

She remembered, she promised to fulfill his one favor after he helped her break into a lab and kill the sentinels. 

"..."

"I would like you to rant to me...and be honest" N said, finally.

Doll's eyes widened, and before she knew it, hot tears were streaming down her face.

"Why am I..." She started.

"Why am I crying" She thought.

N looked at her sadly, and opened up his arms. She quickly fell into his embrace, and screamed. There was so much pent up frustration and anger, years of solitude and pain. She tightly grabbed his shirt and pounded his chest with another fist. 

"How? How do I be honest...I can't...I don't know how" She cried. 

"Why is it a day for everyone, when it's always night for me. When can I see the sun again" She wept.

"I don't even remember what it is like to feel happiness anymore. God...I am so used to the pain...without it I would be nothing. Without my thirst for revenge, who would I be" She continued, tears streaming down.

"Sometimes, I hurt myself to find a reason to live" She said quietly.

N's eyes widened.

"What?..." He began.

"I fight, because I want to get hurt. I don't enjoy it, but what else can I do? How can I live when I have no reason to, when I desperately want to see my parents. Sometimes, I think of ending all, letting monsters kill me just so I can see them again" 

"So then why didn't you" He asked.

"I don't know..." She said.

"I don't..."

"know..."

The air was suddenly filled with silence, and the tears suddenly stopped.

"I am so afraid that...after this war is over and there is nothing to fight for. I just might do it"

"Just might end it all"

He breathed.

"Do you still see the future?" He asked.

"I see a future, just not one with myself in it" She admitted. 

"I thought my hatred for V could be my reason to live. But the more I grew to understand you guys...I don't...I can't hate her. She was just a kid...forced to kill to survive. She wore a mask like me, a mask of insanity to survive this cruel world" Doll sniffed.

"The worst part is, if I understand someone...I have no choice but to love them. I see you as a brother and best friend, J as a companion, Uzi as my sister but I am not sure what I feel for V"

"She has tried on multiple occasions to make it up for me...but I keep putting a barrier up between us, hoping that I won't understand her entirely" 

He nodded, understanding. 

She was self-destructing.

"You know...maybe there is another reason you want to live. I think you are desperate to find out why you couldn't kill yourself. Because that means, there is something keeping you here, whether that is familial bonds or friendship bonds. But you crave relief so much, that you keep putting yourself into this cycle of self-harm and abuse, hoping that one day you could give it all up. But you won't...because you care too much"N said, brushing her hair. 

"Where does that  leave me...what do I do, N. Tell me...please. I don't want to feel this way, anymore. I need someone to save me. I don't want to loathe myself and everyone anymore" She whispered desperately.

"No one can save you but yourself, and the first step is to understand yourself. Who you are, what you are feeling..."

"And then?" She said closing her eyes.

"Then, you should learn that...sometimes...it's better to let go. If you hold on to the past...you will always  be stuck"

She stayed quiet.

"But you should also know that your emotions are completely valid, and you are a person. It's okay to hate...but don't let it be who you are"

"And then, you should also know that I will always be here by your side, as your student and best friend"

"Promise me...you will always be here" She whispered.

"Of course, where else would I go" He chuckled.

She missed the warmth of her family, and missed their embrace. But this was close enough, not the same, but not that different.

"Family", she thought to herself.