life is never easy a.i

14

My parents let my stay home from school. I am ill. It's not really bad but i like to think that i am a great actor. And it helps a lot that my parents easily believe me. Even though i could stay home from school they still want me to go to therapy but that's okay. As long as it didn't involve school it's fine.

-

"You will have to talk about it, and we are going to now" my therapist says. He must be kidding. I stare at him in shock.

"So Noelle, that was her name right?"

Flashback:
"I am Noelle" a girl says with a smile.

"I am Ashton" my six-year-old self says back.

"Can we be friends?" She asks.

"Yeah, let's play hide and seek" i give her my best smile.

"I love hide and seek" she says with a cute giggle.

"Ashton?" My therapist says.

I stare at him. A tear slits down my cheek. I don't want to relive this.

"That was her name" i confirm.

"So she was like your bestfriend, right?"

Flashback:
"You will always be my best friend" she says with a big smile.

"You will always be mine too" i smile back at her.

"Pinky promis?"

"Pinky promis"

We link our pinkies.

"Aren't we a little too old for pinky promis?" i say while laughing.

She gasps. "you can never, ever be too old for pinky promis. and we are only ten. Well you are, but i am in 3 days!"

We lie down side by side in the grass enjoying the sunlight that warmes our body's

"Yeah she was" i say shaking my head to get rid of the memory as the tears pour out of my eyes.

"Do you have flashbacks?"

"Uh yeah" i say.

"That's a normal thing with posttraumatic stress disorder" he says.

I just nod.

"Did you know she was depressed?"

Flashback:
Her head lies in my lap, her head buried in my shirt while she is crying her eyes out.

"I don't know what do to Ashton" she sobs.

I don't know what to say to comfort her.

"Shh it's okay" i whisper in her ear while rubbing her back lightly.

"Ashton, i- i don't want to be alive. why can't i die" she chokes out.

"Hey, i love you okay? don't say that, i can't live without you" i say and i can feel my heart breaking more and more every second.

She keeps crying, i feel a wet spot in my shirt from her tears. i don't know what to do or say.

"Hey i'm here. alright, i'm here. i love you. it's gonna be okay. you are gonna be okay. i'm here for you. i'm here. shh it's okay i'm here."

I keep repeating the same sentences while rubbing her back, wrapping my arms around her to hug her tight and pressing a kiss on top of her head. It hurts me to see her this hurt. What happened to the happy, carefree Noelle?

"Yeah i knew" i say while sobbing in my hands.

"Did her parents knew"

"At first they didn't. She didn't want me to tell them and they were never at home so they couldn't have seen it. I wanted to tell them, you know."

Flashbacks:
"You can't tell them!" Noelle hissed at me.

"I just don't want you to get hurt, i care about you can't you see?!" i hiss back.

"You just can't let them know, you know exactly what they are like! you can't tell them!"

"They are your parents they deserve to know!" i hiss.

"No they don't. they are never even here. i don't consider them as parents. they are strangers to me!" she yelled.

I don't know what to say. she is right.

"If you tell them. Our friendship is over" she says, she doesn't yell but it's clear she is mad. She runs into her room and slams the door shut.

She made her point clear. and how wrong it might be. I can't lose my friendship with her.

"But she said that if i would tell them our friendship would end and i needed her in my life, i know it was wrong, i should have told them. Maybe if they would have known from the beginning she would still be alive. but i couldn't give up my friendship with her. she was my everything." i choked out while holding my head in my hands and crying so much my head hurt.

My therapist nods and writes something down.

"Can we please stop now?" I asked him, still not looking up because my head laid in my hands. "I hate reliving these memories. And my head hurts from the crying"

"That's okay we will continue next time" he gives me a small smile.