life is never easy a.i

18

I walk past houses with family's who don't know me, and if i really die tonight they won't ever know me, maybe they will see my picture in a newspaper and think, 'poor boy, what a shame, so young.' And they will talk about me during dinner. But that would be after i died.

Now, no one thinks about me, the boy who is about to get himself killed.

Alive as i am, there is no one who even knows about me, or wonders where i am, what i do, and if i am doing okay.

I will only matter when i am already gone. So what am i waiting for? There is no joy in sitting around here, watching life go by, that is just not for me. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to get older, i don't want to have a life. I want to stay young, forever. I want to get out of here before i get attached. I want to be a free spirit. And this is it.

I am leaving, for real, i am not going to fail again. I have to make sure that won't be the case. I can't go trough that process again. There is nothing to keep me here. Noelle will be waiting for me, we will finally meet again.

But how, what can i do to finally get rid of this life, that i don't want.

I get my phone out of my pocket. 4 missed calls. All from my parents, that was to be expected. I delete all the stupid apps on my phone and i clear my search history. I set that there is no password needed to get into my phone. So that they can identify me. I put my phone back in my pocket.

Okay, what am i going to do..

I let my eyes search my surroundings, but my mind is blank. Shit.

I can choke myself, although i think that is impossible to do to yourself.

I can bash my own head in with a heavy rock. Again, i don't think that is something that will work if you have to do it yourself.

I can jump in front of a car, but i want to die, not have an accident and get away with a broken leg. Also there are no cars, it is totally abandoned here.

I can break my own neck, i don't know if that will work tho. I don't know how to break a neck.

I can go to a skate park and ask skaters if they have a knife and stab myself, although i don't know if there is a skate park nearby and i don't really want to ask people for knives..

What is wrong with me, i can't even think of a good way to kill myself. Noelle i really need you, please help me.

I'm just walking around hoping that somehow i will die without having to do anything myself. But it's no use. There is nothing that can help me.

I pray to god, even tho i don't believe in god. I ask him to let lightning hit me, although there is no thunder.

I don't know why, but i end up in the park close to my house. And i take a seat on a bench. Please god, let a homeless men murder me for taking his spot. Please let a serial killer murder me. Please.

I lie down and even tho this position is not comfortable at all, i still lie down. I try to think if ways to die, in a park, where there's nothing to kill with. But i am so tired of this emotional, shitty day that, against my best intentions, i fall asleep. And for once, i actually sleep.