life is never easy a.i

7

I went home after the talk with Michael, i felt no need to stay at school. My parents will be mad anyway because i skipped one lesson, they will still be mad if i went the rest of the day so i just went home. I let myself in and walk up the stairs, my parents are working, so nobody is home.

I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I'm so confused. I don't know what i'm supposed to do with the whole "luke" situation. Luke is attractive, that's true but Luke has been mean to me my whole life, as far as i can remember. I could never forgive him for what he has done.

A silent cry leaves my mouth, Noelle. I can't hold it in anymore, i keep crying and i can't stop it.

"I'm so sorry Noelle" i murmur silently.

I've tried to shut all the thoughts about her out, but it doesn't work. She always finds her way back in my mind.

"I'm so sorry you felt that way and that i couldn't help you, i wanted to help you, but you wouldn't let me. Luke is a bitch and with you gone it's only worse. I can't understand him. Why does he makes those sick jokes, it's not funny. It hurts that everything goes on even without you in this world. People still go to work, children still go to school, the sun still comes up every morning and still sets every night, the grass is still as green as before, the stars still shine as bright, the wind still blows, the rain still falls, birds still chirp in the morning, people move on, life goes on but i just can't get you off my mind. I still think about you so much and it hurts so bad, that i can never see your face one last time, i can never hear your voice again and never say goodbye. You never know the last time you see a person and i wish i could go back, and stared a little longer, talked a bit more, told you you how beautifull you were and i am so scared that maybe sometime, someday i forget my memories of you and i don't want to let go. I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes but you couldn't. I just miss you so bad. You aren't coming back, i know that now but that wont make it hurt less, you know. It's like i am the only one who cares that you are gone and that hurts even more. You wanted your death to mean something, but it didn't. Nothing has changed. I wanted to go after you so so bad, but i failed. I think i'm so stupid. I can't even kill myself. I'm so pathetic. I want to go after you so so bad, but i don't know if i can be that selfish again. What if i can't do it Noelle, what happens then? I don't want to be on this planet without you. It's not fair! Why do i have to live, i don't want to! I need you Noelle! I NEED YOU!" I scream.

After that i just lay my head in my pillow and cry. I cry and cry and i feel so damn sad. I cried so much and i am so tired, i try to fight it and stay awake but it's no use.