life is never easy a.i

17

I ended up in the park, not home where i was supposed to go. But i could care less right now. All i want to be is alone, that is all i ask.

What was i thinking? Noelle her house? Why the fuck did i go there?

I shouldn't have, i should have gone home. Now all these memories are coming up and filling every part of my brain. I can feel the flashbacks trying to surface, but i try to push them back.

Ever since we began talking about Noelle in therapy she is the only thing on my mind. And i have these horrible flashbacks and i can't handle all this.

It is getting dark out, but i don't care. I take a seat on a bench and cry and i don't care if someone sees me, you know, pain like what i am feeling right now is overwhelming and can't be ignored. I am so sad, so pained that i feel like i am going to puke. But i don't because i almost never puke. But i am crying, the ugly kind, the kind where you don't have enough breath and you're sobbing and breathing like crazy and you feel like you could die. Because i could, and in this moment i want to. Actually i want to all the time but right now the urge to die is so overwhelming, i feel like i am going to die. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Maybe Noelle is sending me a signal, maybe she wants me to join her. I miss her, i want to see her, i want to be in her company. Maybe i should, maybe i should die.

Someone's coming, i hear footsteps coming closer, a dog barking. I don't look up because what's the point. I hope it is a murderer that is here to kill me. Although i don't think a murderer would take a dog with him, but the dog could be a cover right? I think it could be. I hope it is.

I hold my head low, Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me i think.

The 'murderer' walks past, and nothing happens. I look up to the end of the path it's just a old men with a ugly little dog. There is no murderer. That's a real shame. Now i will have to find another way to die.

"Noelle, help me please" i whisper.

"Help me find the path that leads to you, i don't want to suffer any longer. Help me please." I am softly crying now.

"I am begging you, Noelle!" I am so deperate, she needs to help me. She just has to. I don't want to live this life, it's not fair! Why do i have to suffer. Why me?

I look around it's dark and cold. Exactly like my soul, i let out a little laugh. Funny. I realize that i am even more fucked up then i thought, because here i am, in the middle op the park, when it's dark, cold and lonely, crying and laughing. I sure as hell am crazy, but it has never bothered me before. So i get up and start walking i don't know where to, but anywhere is good.

I'll just walk and wait for a sign. I hope Noelle can see me, and bring an end to my suffering.