Maybe We Should Go Back

No, I can't take criticism, and yeah it's a problem.

Can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote. But not much has happened except some work drama that triggered some of my deepest insecurities. I got an observation with a bunch of low scores and it shocked the hell outta me because I felt like I did great. Not like, the best teacher ever, but at least normal level that would get me the normal points I wanted. I don't need or want to be great. All I've ever wanted is to be acceptable. These scores show I am not.

I haven't recovered from it and last night my therapist said I was letting it define not only what kind of teacher I am but my entire humanity and soul. And yeah, that's true. That's totally true. I can't separate in my mind criticism of something I do versus criticism of who I am. It's all me. I compartmentalize nothing. Teacher-me is the exact same as Mommy-me and Wife-me and Writer-me and Friend-me and Hobby-me. They are all literally ME with slight adjustments for the situation. So when you criticize my work, you're criticizing me as a human being, and every one of those "me's" is affected too. If I'm not a good teacher, that means a I'm a bad mom too, and that means I've never done anything right at any point in my whole life, and I am therefore good at nothing and worth nothing and should probably go die. That's the thought process, seriously. My mind goes from 0 to 1,000 in no seconds flat.

This kind of over-the-top, ridiculous thinking is something that, logically, I know makes no sense. I'm not ignorant to this fact. It's immature and embarrassing to respond this way. That being said, however, when I receive any criticism whatsoever it bypasses my brain/logic completely and directly enters the tenderest part of my soul, the part that's already raw with emotion, and it does all the damage it wants there. Time after time.

These scores threw me for a loop because I don't think I've ever worked harder in my whole goddamn life, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! My "best" is not good enough, and I have nothing more I can do to make it better. So my "best" sucks. It's a powerless feeling. I've always thought that if you do your best, that's enough, because it always was for me. I've never struggled at work before, and the stupid thing is they can't even tell me WHY I'm getting these scores! When I ask them for what I can do differently, they have no answer. They also offer no explanation for the score. So is this personal?

I know the principal holds grudges and even punishes those who are associated with people she dislikes, and the only explanation I can think of (besides me sucking) is that my friendship with the teacher who got fired last year hasn't done me any favors. But fuck that. You don't get to decide who my friends are, and I'm not shallow enough to abandon a friendship so I'll do better at work. Fuck all the way off with that. In fact I hung out with that friend yesterday so we could talk shit about everything we can't stand about this administration, and I have no guilt. I know I've done my best so I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. If they fire me, fuck it, I can't do anything about it apparently so it's out of my hands. The only reason I stay is so my kids can go there, and when it comes to my kids there is nothing I won't do for them. I have to accept that this is my reality now, and I have to live with that.