Maybe We Should Go Back

Cold

I've been meaning to write for days and just haven't had the time. I finished the Reaper series this week and can now devote my writing time to Earthbound, which I'm happy about. My writing time can be as short as 5 minutes a day though. I haven't read in weeks either. Life is so much. Especially now.

The kids have been sick, my little girl almost constantly, since Christmas. I myself am taking vitamin C each day in the form of a horse-pill that I gag on every time. It's too hard to break in half. I also have an extremely sensitive gag reflex from my years of bulimia. All I have to do is put a finger on my tongue and I'll barf, so this vitamin is a nightmare to take despite the fact I'm thinking it's keeping me from getting sick.

We changed insurance in January and my Suboxone went from 7 bucks to 50 bucks a month. I'm floored. The rest of my meds are more expensive too, going from about 4 bucks to 10 for each script. It's insane. I hate the new insurance and so does my husband but now we have to live with it for a year- it's too late to go back. He thought it would be cheaper for doctor's visits and found out it didn't at his first appointment Friday. So basically, he read it wrong and now we are stuck.

Things between us have been sooooo much better though. We talk a lot now about everything, also more affection and frequent (very good) sex. Not sure if I even talked about this but we had this huge, very ugly fight around Christmas. The kids were asleep just FYI; we don't fight in front of them. Anyway, he got pissed at me for the littlest thing and I went off and slammed the bathroom door to get away, and he barged his way in and was screaming in my face, totally berating me. I saw red. I flipped the fuck out and screamed right back. I accused him of being abusive, gave specific examples, and said I'm at the end of my rope and not afraid to leave him.

The next day, he was completely different and has been ever since. So patient with me and the kids. Not bitching about everything. Not getting mad. Not raising his voice. Nothing. I've never threatened divorce before and neither has he because we take that shit seriously and respect each other enough to not throw that word around like a fuckin' frisbee. So I think me doing that really shook him. He realized I was serious and could (and would) take the kids and live without him. I felt empowered after I let it all fly and it brought results.

This is my year of being able to speak up and demand respect, from students and at home. I have never felt empowered like that in my whole life. I have a true "scary voice" now that makes every head turn, and I fucking love wielding it. Especially because I rarely have to. I do have amazing students this year. They are all so sweet and respectful, and still innocent. A lot of them still believe in Santa. It gives me some hope for the future to know there are real kids who are having real childhoods again, not just staring at a screen all day but playing games and going outside and reading books. Maybe things are looking up in this world.

It's freezing today. Well, freezing for Florida. High of 45. Our house is an icebox. It's an old house and doesn't have great air or heating. All wood floors. I'm wearing my thickest socks and my toes are numb. Reminds me of Oklahoma and makes me homesick.

This is a boring update but I figured I should take the time to write if I have it. So there it is. :)