Mute Songbird (boyxboy) -Complete-

Movies on the Couch

I put tomorrows upcoming misery out of mind as I passed the fish mailbox. Soon I was knocking on his door, then opening it when I heard him bellow 'come in!'. His parents were on the couch and I waved, then headed towards Dan who was waiting for me on the stairs.

"Dan?" his mother called. "Asher, why don't you go into the kitchen and get yourself something to drink? Give us just a moment?"

I nodded and did as she asked, but I knew something was up. I got a bottle of water, then waited until the voices had died down and Dan poked his head around the doorway.

"It's safe, come on out." He looked up the stairs, then said quietly "We have to watch down here, okay?"

'Fine?' I signed, my eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, yeah, it's just.... um, sit down?" Once we were comfortable, he cleared his throat. "It's like this. They're okay with me and everything, but uh, because I like boys, you're not allowed to spend the night. And I guess they just don't want us alone in my room much. They said if you were a girl they wouldn't have let me two weeks ago, so.... I mean I guess I get it. Don't look sad, it is absolutely NOT about you, okay? It's just them wanting to be proper and.... I'm sorry. Ash?"

'Fine'

"No, not ok. You're not ok. Tell me what's wrong, please. Do you have your pad? Where's your notepad?" he rattled off. "I told them we'd leave the door open but they're just nervous, I guess. I'll talk to them, okay? I just don't feel like I can make any demands right now. They've been really good about things and I don't want to rock the boat."

I pulled it out of my pocket. It's fine, I get it. I guess. I just miss you.

"Want to take a walk? We have at least 12 minutes of daylight left" he offered.

Yes. No. 'No'. I pointed to the screen, hoping he'd turn the TV on and we could drop this whole thing. I had no idea how to act or what to do. We'd been so distant and 'normal' all week, I hadn't even gotten a chance to hold his hand or give him a quick peck. And now we were trapped on his parents couch and given Dan's explanation, one of them would probably be walking through every 15 minutes like clockwork to make sure we weren't making out or sitting too close.

I sighed although I really didn't mean to. He seemed to be okay with it though so maybe 'us' was all in my imagination and it wasn't anything? Maybe I was making way too much out of a kiss. Several kisses. Some really good kisses. It's not like we were boyfriends or anything, right? Hell, we hadn't even talked about that, or anything, all week. I shouldn't have been disappointed, but I was. What the hell had I been thinking? I was me and should count my lucky stars that he even wanted to be friends.

"I'm not starting this movie, even though I REALLY want to, until words appear on that paper."

I looked up, realizing that I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed him staring at me. He had even put the remote down; boy was serious. I picked up my pen and it hovered over the pad. Then, instead, I grabbed my phone. It was easier to delete this way and I didn't want anyone else to ever see what I was going to write. Besides, autofill was a wonderful thing.

I like you. A lot. Too much maybe. And it's not fair to you to have to be the subject of my fucking boyhood dreams but I didn't realize how lonely I was until I met you and I feel like things are so close but I just can't reach them.

"Keep going, please."

You have your own life that you had way before I just magically appeared in your choir room last month and I know I've kind of hijacked it and I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?

"No. No Asher, I don't. More, tell me more."

I don't know why you put up with me, with my stupid overzealous clotting blood and mega-stroke and aphasia and shit. And maybe you were right, I'm not trying enough. My new therapist wants me to try a new therapy too, the same one Mrs. Maldonado does but it's hard and scary and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for it.

"I put up with you because you're amazing. It's why you put up with me, right? What therapy? What do you have to do? This is the most you've ever talked to me."

It takes forever to write. Sorry. I have to not sign or write or gesture or anything. Nothing but sounds. For weeks, months, until my brain clicks over. Or until Glinda visits and grants me a wish, whatever. I'll sound stupid and it'll be so embarrassing and

The thought that popped into my head scared even me. It was the truth, the kernel that I had been protecting. The answer.

I'm already so cut off from everyone and I'll be all alone. More alone. Hard to imagine. I can't do it. No one will want to put up with me.

He didn't say anything, just pulled me into a hug.