Mute Songbird (boyxboy) -Complete-

Accolades

"You have to let me let all this excitement out or I'm going to explode, Asher!!" Dan threatened as soon as we walked into our room. "I can not BELIEVE IT!" He grabbed my shoulders and spun us in a circle.

I don't know how he had any energy left, honestly. He'd more than let it out. He'd been jumping and yelling for an hour, the whole choir had. Mrs. Clark had taken about 20 minutes to get a handle on her emotions, but then she'd made us all settle down. The congratulations and excitement hadn't stopped though, just dropped a few decibels. Dan though had been amazingly restrained around me, knowing that the other 45 people were more than enough for me to handle. I looked down and realized I still had my frame clutched in my hands.

"Best male soloist is HUGE Ash! Congrats."

I walked over towards my suitcase and started to put it inside. I thought it would be safe between my clothes.

"No, NO! Put it up somewhere! Show it off! Put it on the desk so we can stare at it all night."

I straightened myself back up and did as he asked, setting it on the work station next to his IPad which was charging already. I plugged my phone in, then grabbed my notepad. 4th is amazing. focus on that.

"Trust me, I am over the damn moon about placing fourth. We didn't even break the top 10 last year. I'm not saying your amazing solo did ALL of that, because let's face it, our choir is amazing this year. But uh, it didn't hurt. But Asher, you got the best male soloist award!"

'Thanks'

"Why aren't you happier about it?" he asked, concern spreading over his face. He stopped moving for the first time and turned all his attention to me.

I was happy. I was. But I had been so scared the whole time that I was having a hard time letting go of the fear. I had managed to work myself down to shock, maybe, but I wasn't up for faking happiness yet. I decided to be honest. Was so scared I'm still numb.

"Okay, I get that. You killed it though, really. And it's over, right? Why don't I get changed and you can have a few minutes of quiet. Then I want to ask you something if you're up for it. Don't let me forget."

He dug through his bag a moment before ducking into the bathroom. I kicked off my shoes and turned on the TV, reclining on one of the beds. I didn't want to think about what I may or may not be up for.

"Taking the good bed huh? I see how it is."

I looked back and forth, they were the same. Well, one was closer to the bathroom. I gave him a look.

"I was kidding. Ash, can I ask you something?"

Yes.

"I was thinking about your therapy a lot this week, the new stuff? And it got me thinking that I don't get how you can sing and not talk. I've sort of asked before and you joke it off, but I really want to know. Like do you not know how to make the words when you try to talk?"

It's more like they just aren't there. You know the voice in your head?

"Yep. My thinking voice is ALWAYS going. Drives me crazy."

It's hooked up to your mouth. You can think 'gravy' and say it. I can think it usually but it gets lost between my thinking brain and my mouth. It's not connected.

"That sounds fucking awful. Sorry, but it does. But that one time, when I tickled you, you sort of said stop. You can make sounds, right?"

I don't know how I did that. If you asked me right now to say stop I couldn't.

"Try?"

I didn't want to, but he was going to hear all kinds of stuff next week. "Fa" I said softly, then gave up. Can't. Need an S but can't. Got lucky last time maybe.

"But you can understand everything?"

Couldn't at first, words were mixed up a lot. That part got better. Was scary as hell though. Like waking up in a foreign country sort of.

"Wow. I can't even imagine that. But you can sing, so you do know how to actually say words. You can sing perfectly if you just hear the music, or sometimes you don't even need it, do you? You've sung to me without it."

I hear it in my head, the music, and then words come out but I'm not thinking the words. I don't know, really. I would tell you. Singing is a different side of the brain than talking.

"It is? That's cool. And don't worry, I don't think you're like not telling me on purpose or something Asher. I was just curious, you know? I just don't get why can't you make words without music."

I don't know. Brains are complicated. Don't want to talk about talking or next week anymore. What do you want to do tonight?

"It's a secret, but Mike and Chris have liquor and a lot of people will be in their room tonight. Want to go, Mr. Award-winner?"

No. Although I've never gotten drunk.

"I did once. It doesn't take much vodka, trust me. You can replace it with water in a pinch and no one knows. You might be a lot of fun when you're drunk, but we only have one night so let's not waste it with other people."

Sounds good.

He fiddled with his fingers a moment. "I'm really nervous" he admitted.

"Me too." He looked so cute and I knew he actually was as nervous as I was. It made my butterflies just a little easier to bear. We hadn't really talked about anything about tonight but come on, we were in a hotel in Houston. If we were going to do something, tonight was the night.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" he asked, staring at me.

I scooted over and made room for him, then patted the bed. It was just an excuse to come over here and I knew it, and he knew that I knew it, but that was okay.

"Hi" he said softly, leaving a few inches between us. "Um, Asher?"

I raised my eyebrows. He was adorable.

"Promise me you'll tell me if, I mean, we don't have to do anything, obviously. Shit, this isn't right. Um, it's just that IF something happens, whatever it is, I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. Right? So you have to promise to not let me push you or whatever because even though I don't know.... God I'm bad at this. I just... I'm ready for whatever. If we want, I mean you, no, well we... right? Yeah if we want to do something, that would be fine with me but ONLY if you really want to. Okay?"

I tried to put those words into coherent sentences in my head but wasn't sure if I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. In the end I decided to go with 'he doesn't want to push me into anything'. I looked over at him and nodded.

"So uh, I know 'no'" he said, signing it "but what's 'stop' or how will I know if I hurt you or do something you don't like?"

I pinched his arm. Harder than I had to.

"OW! You little shit! That is NOT stop!" He pouted then and looked adorable. "But it did get my attention I guess."

I leaned over and kissed his arm where it was turning red. You're lucky it was your arm.