Mute Songbird (boyxboy) -Complete-

Out with it

I grabbed a muffin from the basket in the kitchen and sat at the table.  I wasn't sure what mom was up to but there was no way I was starting this conversation without her.

"It wasn't random, was it?" he asked without even looking up from his paperwork.

Random? That they'd done my house?  The word they chose?  "No."

"I see."

I couldn't move, I literally couldn't even force my eyes to turn down towards my muffin.  My hands couldn't unwrap it.   My mouth managed to open and close a few times but no words came out.  That part was probably for the best.  Didn't he realize how awful this was for me?  Did he expect me to say something or just wait for his decree?  "I'm sorry."

"So am I.  This is not a lifestyle I would choose for you."

I didn't really choose it either.  I would be straight if I could, who wouldn't?  Oh I will admit that Pride parades looked like a lot of fun and gay men sure did know how to tear it up at a club, at least in the movies and on Queer as Folk, but would I rather NOT have people writing 'fag' on my house?  Would I prefer to not worry about people's reactions?  Of course.  I didn't want to give up Dan, that's not what I meant but... I was saved by my mother walking in.

"Started without me?" she asked, setting a fresh cup of coffee in front of my father.  "What did I miss?"

"Just the fact that he's a homosexual, if you weren't already aware" he answered, finally looking towards her and waiting for her response.

"I figured it out fairly recently.  He wanted you to know too Mike, but he was concerned about your reaction.  This isn't an easy thing for a child to do, to tell his father this."

"He didn't tell me, someone with a spray can did.  Does everyone at school know, Asher?"

I tried to put my thoughts together before I opened my mouth but it didn't help much.  "No.  I.... I tried not to... but at the the play Brr bbb uh some one ask."  I was stuttering and sounding like a fool.  My speech had regressed to where I'd been weeks ago but I was so nervous that I was surprised I was managing to talk at all.

"I figured it out so I'm not surprised some other people have too" my mom answered, completely unflustered.  "Mike?"

"What do you want me to say Nel?  Maybe I'll go into the office for awhile.  I'll stop at the store and see what they have to help with the clean-up too.  I need to talk to Reverend Graham, I know he's often at the church on Saturday morning, maybe I can catch him."  He stood up and shoved a few things back into his brief case.

"Daaad I... I didn't---" but he was striding towards the door.

"Michael, do NOT walk away from your son when he is talking to you.  We have worked TOO hard for this for you to turn your back.  He is TALKING to you."  She didn't yell, my mother never had to.  Her tone of voice stopped him in his tracks.

He turned and looked at me and the expression on his face made my heart race.  My breathing sped up but I couldn't get enough air.

"Go ahead" he demanded.

I couldn't though.  I was in full-on panic attack mode and it was barreling towards me at the speed of light.  My throat closed up and I couldn't swallow.  My lips were dry but I couldn't control my tongue or slow it down enough to even handle that problem.

"Asher, it's okay dear."  Mom reached her hand out and placed it on top of my fist, trying to reassure me.

"I... not... uy.... buh buh I...."  I wanted to say a million things but I decided to settle for 'sorry'.  I focused but that seemed to just make everything more tense.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't .  I pushed my chair back and dashed upstairs, locking the door behind me.  I threw myself on the bed and curled up into a ball, trying to slow myself down and relax enough to at least breathe properly.

The knock on my door came about five minutes later, not long after I heard the car pull away.  "Asher?  Can I come in?"  Mom was trying, I knew that, but she was the one who'd told me it would be okay.  She said he wouldn't hate me but she was wrong and there wasn't anything she could tell me right now that would make that okay.

"No.  Please go" I managed to say.

"It'll be okay Asher, I promise.  He just needs some time.  Everything is alright."

"No not!"

"I'll be downstairs if you want to talk or need anything."  She sounded sad, or maybe just worried. 

I waited a few more minutes before I walked over to my desk and grabbed my phone.  I needed Dan.  I needed him right now.