Mute Songbird (boyxboy) -Complete-

Long Walks

I was surprised when he got up and slipped into his shoes to walk home with me.  If I'd been able to speak without thinking, I would have automatically said 'you don't need to walk me home' but this was one time when I was glad that I couldn't just spit out words I didn't mean.  I would probably never talk again but if I did, I would be careful with them.  People use words so carelessly and it causes nothing but trouble and annoyance.  If I ever had the chance again I would choose mine instead of letting them spill out of my mouth.

I followed him out the door but he turned the opposite direction.  I didn't care though, he knew where he was going and I trusted him.  If he wanted to walk the long way he could.  Besides, he probably had a lot on his mind although I wasn't sure if he was going to share or just use the time to think.  As rough as my week had been, his must have been just as hard, if not worse.  I couldn't even imagine coming out to my parents and I hated myself a little bit for how difficult I'd made things last weekend.  Then, I'd practically ignored the situation all week, and even tonight I'd been upset about how he handled things.  I needed to chill the hell out and relax about it.

"Can I hold your hand?"

Of course he could.  I latched onto his, lacing my fingers just right.  Perfect.

"Thanks.  I wouldn't want to fall, it's sort of dark out here."

He was such a dork and cracked me up.  I leaned my head against his shoulder for just a second.

"I feel much safer now.  Asher?"

I wasn't sure what he was expecting, so I just squeezed his hand.

"This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I feel like you're a childhood imaginary friend.  I think it's the not answering me thing.  Sorry, was that rude?  I didn't mean it that way.  Please don't pull me into the woods and beat me up, I'll change the subject.  Look, I sort of got the impression from a few things you've said that you're not sure about me. I mean if I like you and how much.  Know what I mean?  And I remember you saying you didn't have friends at your last school, at any of them, right?  So I get that you're scared.  I'm scared of stuff and have no reason to be and you HAVE a reason so I'm not gonna try to figure out how much more scary that is or I won't be able to sleep tonight.  Did that make any sense?  God, how do teachers do it?"

I laughed then, even though he was really trying to be serious.  I couldn't help it.  An image of Dan in front of a classroom and me sitting at a desk filled my mind and it was funny, because I was in one of those tiny elementary school desks and he was wearing one of those tweed jackets with the leather elbow patches and basketball shorts.  That was it, we were BOTH going to have weird dreams tonight.

"I'm not going anywhere Ash.  I like you, a lot.  And I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you this now because you can't really stop me and I know that's shitty but you're not going to want to hear it but I have to say it.  And then I'll drop it and you can make the decision because it really is YOUR choice.  Okay?  So the new therapy? I think you should try it.  I'll still be here Ash.  I promise! We can watch movies and walk to school and go play mini-golf and do LOTS of things.  I'll help any way I can.  I feel like I know you pretty well and I'll try to make sure you're okay and Asher, you don't need to be embarrassed in front of me.  Did I laugh before?  Did I make you feel bad?  I was so damn excited last week when you talked and I think you should try.  There, that's it.  Okay?  It's just that, well, what if it works?  What if it works Asher?"

I pulled my hand out of his but I wasn't mad.  Not really.  I pulled out my phone.  What if it doesn't?

"Then it doesn't."

And I'm out of options

"Oh.  It's like in the movies where the guy is huddled in the corner with one last bullet in his gun?"

I slid my phone back into my pocket and turned, surprised that I recognized my neighbors fence.  I wasn't sure how we'd gotten here but I had very fond memories of this fence.

"I shouldn't be gone too long, my parents will worry.  But uh, can I kiss you first?"

I answered him with a kiss that ended up with Dan's back pressed against that solid wood and me considering taking up mountain climbing.  I untangled myself, feeling a bit guilty for being so forward.

"Damn Asher, one more?"

One turned into two, or maybe even three.  Eventually we parted, lightheaded and happy.  I started to sing softly as I rounded the corner towards my house.  Queen Bey was classic, and I knew this song like the back of my hand.  I slowed it down a lot, it fit my mood better.

I look and stare so deep in your eyes,

I touch on you more and more every time,

When you leave I'm begging you not to go,

Call your name two or three times in a row

Very faintly I heard Dan join in until his voice faded away.  Only then did I head inside, a smile plastered on my face and a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I would be okay.