FCOR (Nightkiller)

end.

...what?

I just stared at mom. A loud ring echoed in my ears. My legs felt shake-y. I couldn't get my feelings straight. I didn't know how to feel.

How did it start again?

Mom and Mr. Nightmare... me being an older brother... Dad... Poor Dad.

I didn't know why but this feeling brewed within me, in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind. Maybe something that grew because I deliberately placed it in the back of my head, in the bottom of my heart. I hated Mr. Nightmare to my core.

He had no right to act like my father just because he was marrying mom. Mom had no right to make me accept him. To be fine keeping me away from the man that truly was my father.

They forced me to drop my bag. All of its contents spilt out. Books, papers, clothes, my things... They all stared at me with a disappointed look. I hated that. I didn't want to hear them. I blurred their words right as they shared them.

Why was my family complicated? It took me too long to know that I had cousins. I had uncles. My mom practically bolted his mouth shut around me. He told me to ignore the dark figure and now I had to embrace him?

I hated it.

I wished I was ignorant. I wish I was dumb. I WISHED I DIDN'T CARE.

I ran—teleported to I don't know where I was, tried to go back to Dad but dad had already replaced mom! I couldn't even knock on the door and just stood there but now they caught me. Mom and Mr. Nightmare.

I couldn't look up to them.

They asked me why I ran. I didn't know how to explain it. I keep ranting and complaining to myself. But what they did with their love-lives wasn't my concern so why did I hate it so much?

I AM A CHILD. Why can't I accept that?

It wasn't their fault so why am I angry?

Mom touched my shoulders. I froze. I didn't realize I was crying until mom wiped my tears.

"We're so sorry, Rue."

My name...Rue. I didn't know how to deal with my name knowing why my mom named me now.

MY VERY EXISTENCE CAUSED ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS.

IF I WASN'T BORN, NIGHTMARE AND KILLER WOULDN'T HAVE ANY DRAMA.

IF I WASN'T BORN, I WOULDN'T BE SO ANGRY OF BEING LIED TO.

IF I WASN'T BORN, It...

Wouldn't have to be so complicated...

I couldn't stop my hiccupping. What was I feeling? Humiliation? Shame?

I froze, they didn't discard me for disobeying.

This time, they all embraced me, I cried. I didn't deserve them. I WASTED so much of their time, money, and caused so many problems. Why would they be...

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Journal entry no.1 "Forgiveness and healing"

I wanted to make reflections. And uh, I don't know exactly how to start things like this. So uh, Introduction, is it? My name is Killer R. Joku, I made some bad choices in the past and I failed my kid. The moment I saw the empty room, no hints, his stuff missing, my mind was like an alarm. I think it was a miracle that I managed to bet on finding him at Color's (Rue's "father figure") place. I couldn't even think to scold him. All I could think was "I found him, thank God" over and over again. He cried, and cried. Then he spilt everything. All he felt. How betrayed it felt. It felt like a knife to my chest... Nighty and I, we decided to explain everything but we knew we couldn't be forgiven easy.

I mean: telling a child that you and your boyfriend conceived, separated. Being transparent about your mistakes and stuff I don't know how to explain it. Bottom line, the things I did wasn't easy to explain but it was essential for trust to happen. And now I didn't want to fail him again. Me and nightmare are planning to help him cope and accept.

And I learnt... keeping the truth away from someone can cause distrust and your child will end up with depression. But the best thing you can do if that has happened is giving him room to heal, to take things slowly and to address problems, not hiding them. Stop hiding him from the world, stop taking him away from people so he can grow and adjust.

Right now, rue has weekly therapy and me and nightmare are working hard to be better parents and note to self: No more drama.

FCOR: end.

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