there goes my heart - j.s

chapter eight

I need to tell Joe. I need to tell him what happened two years ago. It weighs on me every day, but I push it down.
It makes my stomach churn with guilt.
We tell each other everything, but I haven't told him this.
It's because I'm ashamed. And afraid. Afraid he will push me away, afraid he won't love me anymore. Things have been going so well these past months and I love him so much and I couldn't bear it if it ended.

So I keep it hidden.

—

[when Adeline was 19]

My mind is filled with fog.
Thick, black, fog.
It seeps into my mind and never leaves. It clogs and aches.
I stay in my room all day, every day.
Curtains shut, door shut, eyes shut.
I seem so far away from everyone else.
I slip in and out of sleep, my dreams disjointed and scary. They are more nightmare than dreams, but I can't stop them from coming, just like I can't stop the fog.

Sometimes I cry. Big, salty tears somehow leak out of my tightly shut eyes and drip down my cheeks.
Sometimes I sob. Deep gut-wrenching sobs, that make my whole body ache, more than I thought it could.

But mostly I don't do anything.
I give into the fog and let it consume me.
Sometimes the fog turns into ink. Thick, black, ink. It's different to the fog, but it aches just the same.

The doctor said that there isn't actually any fog or ink, that it just feels like it. He said that it's just a side effect of depression sometimes.
He said it can slow you and your brain down. He used the word 'numb'.

Numb.

It feels like that word was made for me.

I feel numb. And hopeless.

So I sleep, I give into the nightmares. I give into the fog.
I break down my last wall of resistance.
I let it be. I let it ache and hurt.

Numb.

—

[present day]

My body reacts to the memory by shivering, even though its summer and the sun is shining today. Even though it's anything but cold, I still feel icy.

I don't ever want to relive that again.
I couldn't take it. It hurts too damn much.

My feet are tucked underneath me on the couch, and I'm gazing out the window, but not actually looking at anything. My vision is blurry and unfocused.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in. I hold it, letting my chest tighten. Then I exhale slowly.
I can do this. I can tell him.
My eyes flutter open and I focus on the world outside my window. Golden sunbeams, and a fresh blue sky.
I can do this.
I can tell him.

He will still love me.

———

hi, guys, it's future editing me! basically, this chapter was shit, full of nothing. it had no storyline or anything, and it was poorly written.
i deleted everything and re-wrote it so that it actually was worth reading and added to the story!
hope you enjoyed :)

— taylor x

[edited yoyoyooyoyoyoyoyoyoo: 05/01/18]