there goes my heart - j.s

chapter fifteen

[five months since joe left]

I splash cold water on my face, trying to wake myself up. In the mirror, a sad, tired, empty looking girl stares back, with grey eyes losing their green colour. Patting my face dry, I let out a deep breath which I didn't even know I had been holding. I'm trying not to think about him. How much I miss him. How much my heart aches. The heavy feeling in my chest hasn't stopped growing. Every day it gets harder to get up in the morning. There's a dark cloud inside my mind and it's getting harder to ignore.
But, today, I have to ignore it.
Today I'm going out. Zoe has convinced me to hang out with her, Alfie, Caspar and some of her other friends. She's been trying to get me to go out for a while now. I finally caved in. I know deep down I should be doing this; I need to be socialising, not staying inside, curled up in bed, missing Joe and letting the dark cloud grow. I don't want to relapse. I can't do that to myself. So I'm going out, no matter how anxious it makes me feel or how unenergetic I am today.

Swinging my closet door open, I wonder if I should go through with this, doubt creeping into my mind. I'm trying to pick out an outfit that isn't a mess, having to dig in the back to find something decent when a crumpled t-shirt falls off a hanger in the back my closet. It's Joe's. I had forgotten all about it. He had left it here once and I had put it in my cupboard to keep it safe. I guess we both forgot about it. This time I can't hold back. A flood of tears come gushing out of my eyes. I hug the shirt to my chest, breathing in the scent of Joe that I've missed so dearly. It brings another wave of sadness and missing him.
I collapse onto my floor and sob. All I can think about is him. His lips against mine for the last time at the airport. How he held me. I would do anything right now to have him in my arms.

My phone suddenly rings, startling me. I quickly wipe away my tears and answer it.
"Hello?" My voice is still scratchy from crying.

"Hi, this is Alfie. Are you ok?" Alfie asks concerned.

"Yeah, I'm alright," I clear my throat. No. I'm not. I'm hardly managing to get up in the mornings.

"Ok cool, are you ready? Is Caspar taking you?" Alfie asks, sounding less concerned now.

"Yup, going round to his soon," I stand up and brush myself off. "See you in a bit."

"Ok cool, bye then," I can hear his smile in his voice.

"Bye," I hang up.

I haven't been round to Caspar and Joe's flat ever since Joe left. I just couldn't face it. Now I have to.

—

Caspar's POV

I open the door and Adeline is standing there, looking frail and tired. I can see she's holding back tears. She hugs me, and I hug her back. She starts to cry into my top. Her body judders and her breath catches.

She breaks the hug and wipes her eyes, taking a big breath.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"It's fine Adeline, I know how hard it must be. I mean, I miss him too,"I give a little chuckle. She manages a smile.
"Are you ready?" I ask her.

She nods and we leave the flat and hop into the Uber.

—

Adeline's POV

Caspar opens the door for me, and I get out the car, wiping my eyes making sure there are no remains of sadness.
I am greeted by Zoe who gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear, "are you ok?"

"Mh hm," I nod trying to plaster on a smile, but I can tell Zoe doesn't quite believe me. She links our arms and guides me along the road to the restaurant.

"There is going to be Marcus, Alfie, Tanya, Jim and one of Alfie's friends here," Zoe informs me, "and of course Caspar and me"

I nod again, I haven't met Marcus, Tanya or Jim yet, and I have no idea who Alfie's friend is. I'm getting quite stressed.
I didn't fully think about how many people were going to be here before, and I don't know so many of them. Oh God. My heart thumps a little harder and faster as we step inside the restaurant. I try to concentrate on my breathing; in and out. In and out. But quickly my breath becomes shaky and hard to control. My hands are clammy and I can't seem to focus on anything, my vision blurring.

"Zoe, I don't feel great." Her attention is suddenly on me. "I, um, I need to take a second."

She knows what I mean, she sits me down and reassures me. It's too late. A full-on panic attack arrives.
I hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably. My head throbs and my pulse is racing.

For so long I haven't had a panic attack this bad, but maybe that's because it's the first time I've properly gone out. Maybe it's because of the t-shirt this morning or maybe it's because Joe had to end the FaceTime early last night. Maybe it's just because I'm so fucking exhausted.
Zoe stays by my side comforting me, her hand gently on her back, reminding me that she's here and not going anywhere. She knows how I feel.

Once I calm down and reassure her many times that I'm fine, just a little stressed, but I'll be okay, seriously, she takes me over to the table. Inside I still don't feel that great and the table is the last place I want to go, but I let Zoe guide me. I take a big breath and introduce myself shakily.

"Hey, I'm Adeline, it's so nice to meet you."

—

Once I've fully calmed down and started talking to people, I feel better. I realise that they are all nice people and I shouldn't have been so worried. And I'm glad I made myself come, and then made myself sit at the table.
Alfie's friend is really nice, she's called Georgia. She made me laugh a little, which I haven't done for a while.

But deep down, I was still afraid and sad.
And no-one could change that.

—

Sorry, this chapter isn't amazing, I think I might do a part 2 or something. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :)

a/n: oml ffs i'm so sorry how crappy this chapter was & still is honestly. please excuse my terrible writing.

— "taylor"