there goes my heart - j.s

chapter nine

I step out of the Uber and look around, Brighton is beautiful.
The salty wind whips my face and whirls my hair around. The air smells cleaner here.
Zoe's large gate is standing in front of me. I press the buzzer and it crackles. Then Zoe's bright, chirpy voice comes through,
"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Adeline, am I allowed to come in?" I laugh.

"Uhh, I don't think so! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Come on in," she teases. I hear barking in the background. "Nala, shh!"

I laugh again, and as the gate opens, I walk inside, the gravel crunching under my feet. The door opens before I get a chance to open it. Zoe bursts out, all smiles and arms outstretched. She's squealing excitedly. I collapse into her arms, suddenly needing a hug from her so badly. She squeezes me tight and I can't help but think back to the time when we first met and we hugged and she felt like home. She still does, she still fills me with comfort.

"God, I've missed you," I sigh.

"I've missed you too, how are you?" She smiles.

"I've been pretty good actually. I've got a fairly good job, a beautiful apartment and a wonderful boyfriend." I wink.

"I'm so happy that things are going well with you guys. To be honest, this is the happiest I've seen Joe."

I grin, "you're welcome hun."

I hear someone say,
"Hi! You must be Adeline,"

I turn around to see Alfie.

"Oh hey! You must Alfie," I smile brightly.

"I am! It's nice to finally meet you, Zoe's been talking all about you."

I grin and am about to add something when a tiny dark blur speeds towards me, wagging its tail.
I gasp, "Nala! Hello! Aw, you are just so cute!"
I can't stop a huge smile from growing on my face. I stroke Nala excitedly. She is adorable.

"Do you mind if I vlog?" Alfie asks.

"Not at all! Just don't mention, you know, mine and Joe's relationship," I chuckle.

Alfie agrees and starts vlogging, chatting about me and his day and other things that I don't know about.
Zoe pulls me away and takes me into the living room.

"So, how are you and Joe going, you know, together?"

"Oh my god Zoe, it's going so great. I actually can't believe on some days that he's real. He makes me so fucking happy. And I love him so, so much. We're not public yet, but we'll announce it in a video soon," I reply.

"If you're ready, but remember they'll probably be a lot of hate from 9-year-olds who obsess over Joe! I know you will be okay though, you both will be. You're so strong together and you've been together for months now."

"Yeah, Joe said about the hate. But I'll manage."

She nods understandingly.

"Zoe?" My voice is weaker now.

"Yeah?"

"I need to tell you something, and then I need your advice." I pause and she nods, her face turning serious but confused. So I go on.
"Okay this is going to be hard, but here we go. About two years ago, when I was 19, things turned... sour, for me. My mental health went steeply downhill, with practically no warning. I plummeted. I shut down – I broke down. It was tough. I constantly felt disconnected and depressed. I stayed in my room 24/7 and didn't talk to anyone." My voice cracks and I start to cry. I hate thinking about it. "I-I honestly hated my life, and myself, but I didn't know why."

Zoe looks incredibly sad and sympathetic, she's rubbing my back and trying to calm me.
I keep crying unable to stop the flow of tears.
I haven't cried for months, and honestly, it feels good.
Good to finally let it out. But it hurts as well.

"That was the hardest time of my life Zoe. I shut myself away from everybody and suffered. Eventually, I was made to go to a hospital – a mental hospital. But it helped, I learnt to get better. I stayed there for a while, month or two, and my mum visited almost every day."

"I'm so sorry Adeline, I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

Tears keep dripping down my face. My chest is hurting and my mind isn't slowing down.

"I got better, but my doctor said that I could potentially fall down that hole again. So I stayed put in my small town, playing safe. Staying happy, but bored. Then earlier this year, I thought fuck it, I can't stay here forever. My mum didn't want my anxiety or depression to come back, so she didn't like the idea. I convinced her in the well," I give laugh through my tears.

"Good for you," Zoe smiles encouragingly, "you are so brave, Adeline."

I shake my head, "no, I'm not really. I'm scared, Zoe. I'm scared to tell Joe. I don't want him to look at me differently. He looks at me so lovingly, so deeply, and I don't want that to change."

She pauses. "He won't. Adeline, look at me, I promise he won't. If he loves you as much as I know he does, it won't change a thing."

I nod. Then I nod again. I keep nodding because no words are coming out. So many fears are clouding my brain. Well, I should tell h-him shouldn't I?" My voice and words are jagged and uneven from crying.

Zoe nods. "He loves you, Adeline, he really does."

—

Zoe, Alfie and I are walking around the Brighton shops. It's all so gorgeous. The streets are bright and bustling, full of busy people. It's nice to have a walk and a breath of fresh air. I'm starting to feel lighter already, by telling Zoe.
Alfie and Zoe are pointing out all the nice shops and cafes as we walk along.
We find a place and order some lunch. Alfie is vlogging and Zoe is chatting away.
I watch a girl kiss her boyfriend and a baby laugh. I watch how a little girl licks her ice/cream and an elderly woman smile to herself.
I watch the people around me and the couple beside me.
And I think to myself,
life goes on.

———

[UN-EDITED/READ THROUGH]

Thanks for reading! :)
EDIT: ok so i changed this chapter a lot because like before, it didn't add to the storyline. hope it's okay now! :))

— "taylor" x

ps: I'm a girl, not a boy
EDIT: i confirm that ^ amen

pps: comment your favourite fanfic if you read this x

(edited yAYY: 17/05:17)

yes ik, i'm doing so much editing.
honey, you're welcome.

[it's britney bitch: 05/01/18]