there goes my heart - j.s

chapter twelve

a/n: if you like listening to music while reading, please listen to the video above (it is a cover by dodie) as you read this chapter! x

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I don't want to face today. Today is the day Joe is leaving.

And I don't think I can do it, but I have to. I have to go to the airport and say goodbye, give him one last kiss. Let him go.

I feel sick and empty and numb. I'm not sure if I can manage without Joe. Now that I have him in my life, now that he's mine, I'm not sure if I can let him slip away.
Most days, he is the reason I wake up in the morning and most days, he's right there when I do wake up. All morning smiles and tired eyes; his hair messy and cheeks pink. God, I'm going to miss him in the morning. And miss him every other part of the day.

I love him, and I know he loves me.

And now he going. Leaving. To the other side of the world. I don't blame him or hate him. I just will miss him. Miss him more than he could imagine.

The phone calls, the texts, the Skype calls, the tweets; they won't be the same as him. Real life him. The Joe that has come into my life and changed it completely. The Joe that plants a kiss on me almost once every minute, maybe to remind me that he loves me or maybe just because he wants to kiss me. The Joe that laughs at my jokes even though I know they're definitely not that funny. The Joe that holds my hand when we walk down the road and just holds me when we sit together on his couch watching movies late at night. The Joe that looks at me like I have all the stars in the night sky in my eyes. That Joe.

I force myself out of bed and pull on some clothes. I don't feel pretty today. Today I feel empty.

I drag a beanie over my mint hair, to cover my roots which are getting worse, but I can't be bothered to care and make myself a coffee. I stare at my reflection in the steel coffee machine, I see a pale, frightened girl staring back. My stomach aches and churns.

I can't bring myself to knock on Joe's door. Tears start streaming down my face. My breath catches, and suddenly I'm uncontrollably crying. I collapse down onto the pavement and cry.

The door opens and I hear Joe's voice
"Hey, hey, hey, it's going to be alright," his voice is soft and comforting and then I feel arms around me, helping me up and then wrapping around me, keeping me safe. But not for long.

I look up at Joe, and my heart beats faster. Maybe it's because I love him so much. Maybe it's because he's so Goddamn gorgeous.
Maybe it's because I'm so frightened of losing him.

_

I walk with Joe as far as I'm allowed to. Tears keep falling down my cheeks. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Sad is an understatement to what I'm feeling right now.
And then, before I know it, I can't go any further with Joe. He has to go on alone now, go to his gate and then get on his plane. I take a deep shaky breath, wipe away my tears and try to form words.

"Ok, well, you better go now, you don't want to be late," my voice is far from calm, but I continue anyway, focusing on not crying. "Promise you'll call or text as soon as you land, I don't care what time it is here."

Joe nods and I can tell he's trying to keep it together for me.

"I'll be fine Joe, seriously, you don't have to worry. We'll facetime every weekend and we'll always be texting and it'll totally be fine," I'm speaking faster and faster, trying to get the words out before I break down. "God, I'm going to fucking miss you."

And with that, I can't help the tears from falling. I start crying yet again, deep sobs and jagged breaths. I'm already standing so close to him that I only need to take one small step forward to crumple into his arms. I cry into his shirt as he holds me and I can feel his racing heart and how he's slightly shaking too.

"I love you," I whisper, just loud enough for him to hear.

"I love you too." He says in the same quiet voice.

I hold him for as long as I can until he really needs to go. Then I let go. I take a tiny step back and look up at him. Tears are gently running down his cheek but he's putting on a brave face. I know I look a mess, I've been bawling my eyes out which definitely doesn't help.

"We'll be okay Adeline, I promise."

And I'm trying with all my might not to burst into tears again because I can't do that anymore. So I nod silently and step forward to kiss him one last time. I reach out with one hand and cup his cheek, brushing away his tears gently with my thumb. Then my other hand cups his other cheek and I lean in to kiss him. This will be the last kiss I'm going to get from him in a year. The last time for twelve months that I'll get to feel his lips pressed so gently against mine. So I embrace every second of it. My wrists are now resting on each other, crossed behind Joe's neck, my upper arms settled on his shoulders. His arms are wrapped around my waist. Our kiss is gentle but urgent and full of longing. Joe's lips are soft and full and desperate. He tastes like salty tears and toothpaste. He tastes like all the tomorrows that we won't be able to spend together. He tastes warm and comforting and it hurts to think that once he's gone, I'll be cold again.
We break apart but stay close, foreheads almost touching, just looking at each other. My stomach churns as I stare into his brilliant blue eyes. And I kiss him again, quickly and lightly, then once more, longer and deeper. I'm trying to tell him that I love him and I'm proud of him but I'll miss him more than anything.

And then he has to go. And I have to let him.
"Bye then," I whisper.

"Bye," he steps back and my stomach suddenly lurches and my head pounds. "Love you."

"Love you too, Joseph Graham Sugg."