there goes my heart - j.s

chapter nineteen

[nine and a half months since joe left]

It's too hard.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm in a constant state of falling down a deep dark hole. It's never ending.

It's not just about missing Joe. It about that fact that he left, and not just him. So many people in my life managed to get away. Managed to step out the water, but leave me gasping for air. The voice in the back of my head tells me that it's my fault; that everyone was just trying escape from me. And maybe it's true. Maybe, everyone I know and ever will know will leave me too. Maybe I deserve to be alone.
No one can help me with that.
I'm falling.

And I don't know if I can never stop.

—

I don't bother opening the curtains in my room, I don't bother even getting up. I just stay in bed; staring at the ceiling, thinking about how pointless life is and how worthless I am.

My tummy rumbles. It's 1pm and I still haven't gotten out of bed to have anything to eat. So I slowly get up and plod downstairs. I make myself some coffee then trail back upstairs to my bedroom. At this point, I'm not sure if I deserve food.
Laying back on my bed I receive text from Joe. I open my phone and read the message:

Joe: I'm just about to go to sleep here since it's after midnight, sorry I couldn't call you today. It's been really busy since there's only a few months left of filming. How are you doing? Love you so much x

I instantly smile as I read his message. Maybe the universe knew that right now, all I needed was Joe. The text isn't actually him, but it's the closest I can get at the moment.
My eyes water and a tear leaks out and rolls down my cheeks, balancing on my chin and then falling onto the screen. When one tear falls, the rest comes. Soon I can't control myself, I cry and cry, curling up in a ball and squeezing myself tightly. I will myself to stop the crying, to stop being weak like this. I dig my fingers into my legs and clench my jaw. It doesn't help, I can't stop the tears and that pain and this outpouring of emotions. Everything inside me is breaking and I don't know how to fix it. It's like I can feel my soul and heart and chest splitting open and splintering. I try not to scream through the tears. I heave great big sobs, soaking my pillow with tears, until I don't have any tears left. My throat is raw and my fingertips throbbing. I shake my hands and wipe away my remaining tears. I have to reply to Joe, I have to lie and tell him I'm okay. He can't know.

Adeline: hey sorry i was downstairs making myself a coffee and didn't see ur text. hopefully you're sleeping by now. i'm going alright, it's been hard but i'm managing :)

Adeline: love you too

Adeline: always x

—

[nine and three quarter months since joe left]

My phone vibrates on the edge of my bed; waking me suddenly from my sleep. My heart flutters, hoping it's Joe. I quickly open my eyes and roll over. It's late morning, and by now the sunlight has made its way through the crack in my curtains. It cuts into the darkness of my room, highlighting the scattered clothes on my floor. I haven't tidied in weeks. Everywhere is musty and cluttered. Dust dances gently in the sunlight, floating this way and that. I rub my eyes and sigh, picking up my phone to check if Joe has texted. My heart sinks when I see it's not from him.