there goes my heart - j.s

chapter ten

Joe's POV

I've been at this new job about half a year now. It's been great - more than that, it's been amazing. I have learnt so damn much. Every day I wake up so excited to work. Every day, Adeline has been so supportive and loving. I couldn't have asked for a better girlfriend. She's happy because I'm happy. And that feels so good.

But yesterday, my boss told me some news. Some news that could change everything. I need to tell Adeline, but I know how hard it will be for her.

I knock on Adeline's door. My stomach feels hollow and my head is spinning with what I can say the Adeline.

She will be devastated. I am already. I'm not sure if I can do it.
But I need to keep the job. So I have to. It will be okay, I tell myself.

"Oh, hey hun," she says cheerily, and kisses me, her hands cupping my face.
"What's up?" She asks.

I sigh but try to put on a brave face, "I've got some bad news, to do with work." I start.

Her smile falls, and eyebrows furrow.

"Yes..?" She prompts.

I keep talking, "I have to go on a 12 month trip and film overseas in Australia." I hold my breath and wait for her reply.

She sucks in her breath. I can see my words sink in, I can see the cogs turning in her brain. Her face is distressed and pained. Adeline is strong, I know that, but I also know how hard this will be for her. She lets out her breath shakily. I can tell she's trying not to cry.

"Okay, well," she looks for the right words. "Well, I'm so proud of you and I'm sure it'll be amazing and you will do so well and God, I'm going to miss you but it's fine don't wor–"

She is speaking so fast and I can see the panic slowly build inside her, so I stop her mid-sentence, by wrapping her in a hug. Adeline collapses into me and all I can concentrate on is holding her and how small she feels and how hard her heart is beating.

"You can't go, it's too long and too far away, you can't," she breaks down, her breath and words jagged. She keeps whispering, 'you can't, you can't, you can't.'

It breaks my heart.
"Shh, shh, it's alright," I say, even though it's hardly alright, "I have to go, otherwise I lose my job. I can't afford to do that. I'm so sorry Adeline," I stroke her hair as she sobs into my t-shirt. Guilt churns within me.

"I can't live without you Joe, I love you too much," she whispers.

"I love you too Adeline, so very much. But I have to go, I'm sorry," My voice cracks. I feel drained inside; sick with sadness.

How am I going to last a year without her?

"When are you leaving?" She asks sadly, tears trickling down her gorgeous face.

"Next month," I reply simply. A new wave of tears comes spurting out of her grey-green eyes.

How am I going to last a year?

We stay, arms wrapped around each other for awhile, comforting one another.

1 whole year.

I lift her chin and kiss her, gently but lovingly, I don't want to leave her.
"I love you, Adeline," I say
I could never forgive myself if I lost her.

"I love you too, I'll never stop."

—

Adeline's POV

We curl up on my couch. The couch where we first had that magical, electrifying, connection. Now we sit in silence, wrapped up together and in our own thoughts. All I'm thinking is, I have to tell him.
And I do, I know I do.
I need to tell him before he leaves. He deserves to know.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My head is resting on his chest and I can feel his heartbeat. I fills my head. Thump. Think. Thump.
I could swear mine falls into rhythm with his.

And then my voice cut through the silence. "Joe?"

"Mhm?"

"I need to tell you something." I sit up, peeling myself away from his warm, safe arms. I look him in the eyes and see worry appearing in them. He sits up as well.

"What's wrong?"

And with that, I tell him everything. I tell him about when I was 19. I tell him about falling down into a deep, dark hole.
I tell him about shutting myself in my room. About how I felt numb and empty.
Then I make myself tell him about the doctors' appointments and the therapists. I hold back tears, somehow. They sting my eyes but I don't let them fall.
I tell him about the hospital and how I had to stay there.
He sits there, respectfully silent. But his hands are intertwined with mine, and his thumb in gently stroking my hand.
I go on to tell him how eventually I got better but I could relapse at any time.

I told him everything, and then I broke down.

Joe holds me while I cry.

"I love you Adeline, and I always will. You are so strong," he whispers.

"I love you too."

And for the first time in a long, long time, I feel light again; weighed down by almost nothing.

—

a/n: ok hi it's future editing me and i just want to say to anyone who's reading this (who i am kidding no one is fuckin reading this shit lmao) that i'm sorry it's pretty bad. i have tried to make it a bit better but i honestly don't have enough energy to completely re-write it. and i'm also sorry about how the timeline is really fuckin bad as well.
lil dumb me who wrote this originally didn't think at aLL about time lines or continuity or any of that shit, so it's pretty hard on me now but i'm trying okay??????

[edited apparently for the first time cause this bitch is lazy?? 07/01/18]