I'm Married To Pain

Chapter 33

"Don't you want justice for what happened with Nate? Don't you want someone to blame for his death?" I asked her. "Won't that make you feel better?"

I looked outside but the truth is I wasn't seeing anything. I am too focused on what Ashley has to say.

"No. The truth will make me feel better, Jared. Why are you not giving your statements in the court? You were the only one who knows the truth, can you just say it?" Her voice sounded pleading.

The truth? I laughed a little. "The truth? What if I tell you it was just an accident? And that I never hit his car or anything? It was purely accident. Will that make you feel better?"

I turned to her. She furrowed her brows. "Why do think I won't if that's the truth?"

Because that's how much you love him! If not, you won't even bother hating me regardless if I killed him or not! I am your husband for pete's sake! I have showed you love since day one.

I put my wine on top of my table. "Sometimes I wished I did. I wished I did kill him. Just to get even with that bullshit!"

"He's already dead anyway. Why do you have to wish you did it?" She walked towards me mad. "Why? What did a dead person do to you that makes you want to kill him?"

I looked at her eyes. She's freaking the hell out of me. This is one of the moments when I just want to kiss her out of anger.

"Funny isn't it? How can a dead person keep on hurting me like this? It is through you, Ashley."

Her brows furrowed. "I don't understand."

I tightened my fists. I wasn't ready for this conversation but I had to say it now. I held both her arms. "Honestly, Ashley. Before I even cheated on you, before everything, did you... did you even, for a second, just a little, love me?"

I looked in her eyes, waiting for an answer I wanted but I know I won't believe.

She seemed fighting with herself but she answered anyway. "I love you. How come you can't feel that?!" She cried saying it to my face.

She didn't say 'loved'. She actually say 'love'. She still do. That made me move my hands off her.

I laughed a little. Then it became funnier so I laughed more.

Silly.

I turned around and scratched the back of my neck. Unbelievable!

"You did?" I laughed again. "You fvcking did?" I looked at her feeling angrier. "Oh yeah? Then tell me, in our years of being together, why do you keep on calling out his name when you're asleep? You call out his name almost every night! Oh you didn't know that? Guess what's worse. Remember when we had a few drinks before your dad came home from France?" She stared at me, waiting. "You were pretty drunk that time. We were making love and you fvcking moaned his name to me. Do you realize how painful that was? All these time it was him you're seeing, not me. It was him in your heart, not me.

"After that incident, I can't look at you the same way again. I mean... I tried. But I failed. Whenever you kisses me, you tell me you love me, I have to make myself believe it was really me.

"Did you actually think I don't get hurt whenever I make you wait for me until it gets really late and you falls asleep on the table or on the couch? I get hurt whenever I avoid sleeping with you because I might hear his name from you again. In our entire marriage, I never, not once, heard you say my name in your sleep. Never."

She opened her lips to say something but nothing came out.

"You know what? I have never been so jealous before. It's stupid to think that a dead person can make me jealous! He can't touch you, talk to you or even see you. But out of all men out there, he is the one I'm jealous of. It makes me want to kill him over and over again! It's stupid and childish but I can't fvcking help it. You never really loved me, Ashley. You never did!

"I thought I was the one who didn't love you before because I was seeing Stacy in you but even when I was fvcking her, I secretly wished it was you. But you don't love me as much as she does. You never really did." I said helplessly and tired. Like every hurt that I felt came back all at once.

"There were these nights when you wake up in the middle of the night. You have to lock yourself inside the walk in closet just to cry and I have to pretend to be asleep, not hearing how you cry so, so fvcking hard. It crashed my heart hearing it. It even haunts me in my dreams sometimes. It gives me nightmares. But I knew those tears are not for me, they are for him. That's when I thought that maybe I don't really love you. That maybe if I just have to force myself, I will see that it was Stacy whom I love all these time. But when you asked me to divorce with you, I couldn't give it. How can I love you so damn much when you can't even love me as much?"

She stood frozen. I don't want her to move, I don't want her to say anything. All I wanted her to do was to listen and I'm thankful that she did.

I walked towards her and put my forehead on top of hers, fighting my urge to kiss her. I kissed her forehead instead and caressed her left cheek with my thumb then put my forehead back on top of hers. I felt her warm tears flowing on my thumb. I was constantly wiping them but it's not stopping.

She sobbed softly. I licked my lower lip inside my mouth and released it out. "I'm tired. I just--" I was about to say I'm letting her go but when I looked in her eyes, my tongue is swallowing it down. I sighed heavily. "I just want to go to sleep."

Then I left her there standing.