Talks with the Mirror

Funnier than 24: Czech Republic, what was that?!

2025

Once upon a long time ago.. *cough cough* okay, maybe seven years ago, I found myself involved with a woman from Czech Republic. Grab your tea and your cookies because this one will be a lot of introspection.

After coming out, I was angsty. I was very ready to finally get into a relationship. I needed to experience what that would be like. What I forgot about is that I am quite shy, never go out, and would never approach a person first, haha. That sort of made it hard to make any process in the whole "get me a girlfriend" plan. To fix this, I found the next best thing, and ultimately what brought me to my wife years later... Tinder! I made my profile, which by the way is not easy to do, and started swiping. One fateful night I matched with someone who was very much masc presenting. Let's call her Nina for the sake of privacy.

Nina was pretty easy to talk to and we seemed to have similar humor. She was in Iceland just for work during the summer and would be going back home to her studies. I didn't let that stop me, you know, being all unexperienced and desperate, so we continued to hang out despite sort of knowing that there was an expiration date on whatever we were. I honestly don't know if we really wanted to be together, were both equally desperate and lonely, or it was just the fact that her friend was sort of hinting at us to get together, but we ended up getting together.

The part that I haven't mentioned yet, though, is that she smoked that green stuff. She also drank maybe more than one should on a regular week day. Stayed up until the sun came up and stayed in bed way past the point where there is time to do anything else in the day. If you know me, you would know that I couldn't be more opposite to everything I just stated above about Nina. I have never done drugs, I don't drink and I am a grandma when it comes to my bedtime. But when I was with her, I allowed myself to push these limits (all except the drugs part, that I will never waver on).  I went out to bars and experimented with alcohol for the first time in my life. I got drunk and weird for the first time. I stayed up until the sky got all pink and orange as the sun came up. I skipped football practices to hang out with her. I basically put my entire real personality on pause and tried to see just how far I could push it.

Do you wanna know just how far I got?

I got myself all the way to goddamn Czech Republic! Not once, but TWICE. I spent freaking New Year's away from  my parents for the first time, just to chase a girl. Not only that, but when I was there, I was doing all the things she did (again, except the green stuff). I drank way too much. I don't think I had a single sober night when I was out there. I also never got a full night sleep. I always paid for everything and never questioned anything. I got to know her friends, and even her ex who she still talked to! I know, very gay! The country was beautiful but I don't think I remember most of it because of all the sleeplessness and drinking.

Back in the day, I thought I was finally living life. Gathering experiences and building up my character's backstory as if I am some sort of Sim. I knew that some of the things I was trying were very far from who I really am, but I thought I owed it to myself to try since you only live once and what not. So I tried, I lived that fever dream state until the very end. The end that came through a video call, followed by four months of social media hiatus.

Nina was never mean to me. I believe that she truly liked me but that the long distance thing was too hard for her. It was for me as well. I also believe that somewhere along the way we both realized that we were only supposed to last one summer. We were only supposed to fill a temporary void because there was no space for what we were trying to be in our real lives. As hurtful as it was to be broken up with, in the end I was grateful that she did not let us keep wasting our time and tip toeing towards the unavoidable end.

Nina was a lesson. I learned that no matter what, if I push myself away from who I truly am, it will be like pulling on a rubber band. Eventually I will come flying back to where I am supposed to be, right back to me. There is so much talk about "opposites attract", "push your limits" and "get out of your comfort zone". I think there is a lot of truth to all of these statements, but also a lot of misunderstanding. Opposites might attract, but your differences can severely repel you from each other. Push your limits to a certain extent, not until you break. And getting out of your comfort zone cannot be confused with get away from who you are, that will never end up well because you will be acting through a life that isn't your own.

Czech Republic also brought me some fun memories though. I got to go ice skating with my then potential mother in law. The rink was quite cold so she brought tea in a Thermos for us to drink in between, but the funny part (at least it was funny then) was that she added rum to it. Not gonna lie, it made it taste pretty nice, but SO MUCH DRINKING! And another thing, the woman did not speak a word of English, so we were having our spiked tea on the skating rink together and communicating through gestures. Another funny thing was the fact that I didn't know it then, but I am also a masc, who is attracted to fem women so we were doomed from the start, I was just in my self discovery journey. And lastly, and to me the most hilarious and gay part of it all, was that Nina tried to hook me up with her ex after this whole thing. It could not get gayer than trying to recycle your exes with one another.

Anywaaaaays, I can't go back and undo what Czech Republic was for me, and I shouldn't want to. It did change me. It taught me a heck of a lot about what I like and don't like, what parts of me I can extend and which are set in stone, and also about what kind of relationship I would want to be in. Right after it ended, I couldn't quite see it, but I am better for every experience I have had although that one was quite an expensive one, haha.